The Fool: Something you’ve always wanted to try
The Magician: Something you’re very good at
The High Priestess: One thing you wish you knew
The Empress: A woman you really admire
The Emperor: A man you really admire
The Hierophant: Something you believe in
The Lovers: A person who makes you very happy
The Chariot: A prize or award you’ve won
Strength: Something you struggle with
The Hermit: Favourite way to spend a day alone
The Wheel Of Fortune: Something you wish you could change
Justice: A decision you wish you could do over
The Hanged Man:A time when you wished someone would listen to you
Death: Someone you really miss
Temperance: Your ideal day
The Devil: Who you talk to when you’re dealing with big issues
The Tower: Something that changed your life
The Star: Someone you consider perfect
The Moon: Something you fear
The Sun: Your happiest memory
Judgement: Your favourite song(s)
The World: Your dream job
Chats
Literally Two Seconds After I Make That Post About Saltine
ChatPup arrives at my house and rings the doorbell. I’d just been at his place a few hours ago.
Me: What are you doing here?
Pup: I texted you. I needed to get my toy bag.
Me: Didn’t Saltine just go over to your place? We were just texting.
Pup: Yeah.
Me: Then why are you over here? Go be with Saltine.
Pup: …all my condoms are in the toy bag.
Me: This is going on my stupid blog.
Foreshadowing, or: The Only Way I Can Imagine Introducing Saltine Properly
ChatMe: I definitely need to get a glass dildo now.
Saltine, Pup’s Partner: Yessss. I like how it’ll get to my body temperature.
Me: I just like the weight. It’s this nice balance between like vaguely heavy but also light but not as light as silicone.
Saltine: I don’t dig ethereal cocks.
Me: Hahaha “ethereal cocks” is the name of my new band.
Saltine: Ivy and the Ethereal Cocks.
Me: Oh my God, yes.
Saltine: You need a better name. It’s gotta be like: Cunt-Punch and the Ethereal Cocks.
Me: Ughhh I refuse to carry that cunt punch around with me.
Me: I refuse to have my life dictated by one cunt punch.
Omfg “talk about” is a lot cuter than ask me
Chat1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
2: Talk about your first kiss.
3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.
4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.
5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.
6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.
7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.
11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.
12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.
13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.
14: Talk about a vacation.
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.
19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.
20: Talk about something that happened in high school.
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
22: Talk about your worst fear.
23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
25: Talk about an ex-best friend.
26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.
28: Talk about your fetishes.
29: Talk about what turns you on.
30: Talk about what turns you off.
31: Talk about what you think death is like.
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.
35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.
36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.
In Which My Vanilla Friends Take Me On My Own Terms, Part 3
ChatFriend #1: More than one kid seems overwhelming. But four parents and one kid sounds perfect.
Me: Polyamory, man.
Friend #2: At what point does that become a kibbutz?
In Which My Vanilla Friends Take Me On My Terms, Part 2
ChatMe: [Mid-filling in on the events of winter break] And then Friend #2 and I got together for New Year’s.
Friend #1: [Looks suspicious] You two hung out on New Year’s?
Friend #2: New Year’s Day. Not Eve.
Friend #1: Right I was about to say. You couldn’t have hung out with her New Year’s Eve.
Friend #2: Yeah, no, that’s when Ivy had her orgy. We got together the next day.
Friend #1: Oh right that makes sense now. How was that?
Me: Fine, thanks.
In Which My Vanilla Friends Take Me On My Terms, Part 1
ChatFriend: You okay? You keep holding your bag away from your chest.
Me: Oh, I got my nipples pierced on Sunday.
Friend: *looks shocked*
Me: *prepares for a lecture*
Friend: Before TRAVELING?
Me: *notices Sir liking everything*
Me: Are you reading my tumblr on the toilet?
Sir: No.
Sir: Yes.
Why I Fail At Flirting
ChatMe: Daddy, you look handsome with your shirt off.
Sir: Do I, baby?
Me: I’m not a baby anymore.
Me: *burps*
Christmas Cheer
ChatMe: Oh one second. Craftsmate just texted me.
Text: I’m gonna make you into a proper piss drinking fucktoy who enjoys doing depraved things for the approval of your superiors.
My Father: Oh, what did he say?
Me: …Merry Christmas.