Chats

Chat

Guy: *sends dick pic*
Me: Thank you. While you enjoy an absolut cocktail in the interior illusions lounge, the judges and I will deliberate.

Chat

what she says: I’m fine.
what she means: In the sixteen years since the release of the Spongebob episode, “Tea at the Treedome,” and simultaneously, the introduction of Sandy Cheeks, only one thing has baffled me. Sandy is clearly rather intelligent, as we can plainly see, and later, confirm, in the episode, “Chimps Ahoy,” where we discover she works for the company Treedome Enterprises. She is an accomplished scientist and inventor, not to mention she is musically and athletically skilled. She must have gone to a prestigious school, and she ostensibly knows much about marine life, as she must have studied it extensively before she was assigned to her treedome in Bikini Bottom. That all said, it begs the question: how is she not immediately aware of Spongebob’s need of water for survival? In “Tea at the Treedome,” she invites her new friend to her treedome, but it does not occur to her that he is a sea creature and needs a constant supply of water, much like she requires air? It just does not add up. And she is not one to miss social cues, either, so why does she fail to notice Spongebob’s growing discomfort, and eventual desperation? It has been 16 years and I have not received closure on this gaping plot hole.

That Thing Where You Wake Up In The Same Place You Fell Asleep

Chat

Me: I’m just running back to my place because Pup left some things of his there.
Pup’s Roommate: Where do you live?
Me: Oh just like on [address about a block away].
Pup’s Roommate: Wait, you live that close?
Me: Yeah, that’s how I end up here so often.
Pup’s Roommate: Is that why you’re here so early in the morning sometimes? I was wondering how you’re in the kitchen at like seven AM sometimes. But I guess you can just walk over so that kind of makes sense.
Me: No, ah. That’s because I, you know, slept here.

The Prophecy Was Right

Chat

Me: I just don’t want someone thinking I’m a size queen. I’m not a size queen.
Pup: You’re just a size queen about height.
Me: I am not a size queen about height.
Pup: You date tall guys.
Me: Yeah, I do kind of date guys between 5’8 and 6’2. I like guys who are too tall for me.
Pup: See?
Me, later: *eating lunch*
Me, later: *remembers Sir’s mother basically once said the same thing*
Me, later: *realizes I am Sir’s mother*
Me, later: *chokes on salad*

The Golden Ratio

Chat

Background: So I’ve got a date coming up with a guy who seems really cool. I asked him out myself and I’m usually too shy to do that, so I’m pretty proud of myself. Also, he’s pretty good motivation to finish my thesis.
Me: Think of it this way. Three dicks plus three holes equals America.
Me: Or like three dicks:three holes is the golden ratio.
Pup: Your golden ratio is just one to one.
Me: Thats why it’s the golden ratio.
Pup: One?
Me: Yes.