Me: I liked when you told me that “this is what happens to bad girls”.
Him: That’s because you have an unresolved Daddy fetish.
Me: Whatever. You have an unresolved Daddy complex.
Him: Hah. Yep.
Chats
Various texts today from the Southern Gentleman
ChatSG: So, Iowa today. RON PAUL!
SG: Seriously if Rick Santorum wins this thing I am punishing you when I see you tomorrow.
SG: Packing up, leaving early tomorrow morning. Things are looking good for Santorum. I hope your pussy is scared.
SG: Santorum won by 18 votes. I’ve got some feelings I need to work out. See you tomorrow.
SG: 😀
Excited Texting.
ChatMe: IT HAPPENED.
Me: I HAD A DREAM.
Me: AND KANYE WAS IN IT.
SG: DID YOU FUCK KANYE WEST?
Me: NO. NO.
SG: DAMMIT, IVY.
Me: WE JUST MADE OUT A LITTLE BIT.
Me: AND MADE GARLIC BREAD.
SG: THAT’S SO HOT.
SG: …garlic bread?
The Winter Formal, Part 1: A text to my best friend from home before heading out
ChatMe: Thank you for making me buy that dress over Thanksgiving. I look like a sexy dinner napkin.
My friend: Insert perverted joke here about people wiping their mouths.
Flirttexting.
ChatGuy in my frat: Sorry I couldn’t be your date to that thing.
Me: Date? I was inviting you and a bunch of other people as friends.
Him: You’re the one who used the word date.
Me: Only I didn’t.
Him: I was joking.
Me: Sure.
Him: To the joke or to a date?
Me: Smooth.
Him: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Me: Too bad you have no game.
I think I’ve found a new hobby. This sort of back-and-forth continued for a good chunk of the evening. He once told me after some liquid confidence that he liked to dominate women. I told him he couldn’t handle me. Apparently, he took this as a challenge.
I’ll just need to brainstorm some sort of nickname for him.
In which habits are examined.
ChatDuring a conversation in which a good friend shared with me the status of his love life. And I, of course, reacted most maturely.
Him: I mean, stuff with (redacted) has been moving kind of slowly. But I’m seeing her tomorrow night, so it should be all good.
Me: (makes obscene gesture) Oh yeah?
Him: Yep.
Me: (noticing he has looked away) I like how you know not to look at me when we talk like this.
Him: You know what? I didn’t even realize I had. It’s practically subconscious at this point.
Me: God, why is that so hot?
Him: Because I’m good at this.
It’s good to be home.
ChatMy mother: No, you were a very sexy lady.
Me: (walking into the kitchen) Did you just call your mother hot?
My mother: Look at this old picture of your grandmother.
Me: Damn. Nevermind. You were bangin’.
My grandmother: Yep.
In which we are mature adults.
ChatMe: How goes studying?
My bestie, A: Eh. I went to my boyfriend’s room last night and literally got nothing done.
Me: I get it. (puts up fingers in V, tongues at air)
A: No.
Me: Oops. My b. (pokes tongue into cheek while jerking invisible cock)
A: Sigh.
A joke I think you’d all appreciate
ChatMother: I was cleaning Jimmy’s room and I found a ton of bondage equipment and fetish magazines under his bed. I just don’t know what to do.
Father: Whatever you do, don’t spank him.
(Giggle. Just got told it by a friend.)