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I won’t lie to you: most of my visit to Sir over the holidays was pretty hard. I was living with him and his roommate, he was working long days and I was under a lot of stress regarding school stuff. Being apart had put a strain on our intimacy, had made us sometimes feel like strangers. It had been big years for both of us and, yeah, we’d changed. Worse, there was the looming reality of Sir’s leaving the country indefinitely for his job.

It was frightening. I thought we were over. We fought, we struggled to make things feel the way they used to. I didn’t want to write about anything on here because I guess I was a little embarrassed and worried about portraying him in a negative light or inviting criticism.

Months prior, I’d gone to a vintage record store while on a trip and found this. I’d planned on giving it to him as a cute little gesture for our anniversary. But as I went through the airport, they randomly searched my backpack, and while sifting through it I could hear the crack. I’d taken such care to slip it in a spot that kept it safe, and I knew right away it was broken. 

It felt cheesy: that our D/s dynamic was struggling, our relationship was floundering, and my “To Sir With Love” had snapped the “Love” right out. Even cheesier: I couldn’t find the piece.

I’ll get into the good parts of the visit, there were certainly some. But the point is that there were the tough points. There were the points where I thought that I was walking in the wreckage of something that was already destroyed. I lost sleep worrying over it, I wondered where we’d messed up.

For our anniversary, he’d arranged for this really wonderful night right after the New Year, and now I was anxious about even making it to that. I even left town on New Year’s Day after being up till 4AM (that story’s coming, don’t worry) to spend time with a friend and just try to get clarity about the whole thing. And though I was worried about that night, that whole day I missed him. We’d had a good new years, though I knew that things were different, that we were very different people than a year before.

I got home and stopped trying to be that thing we were. I stopped attempting to recreate the old dynamic, to force every situation to meet old expectations. And then as I was packing for our night away, I found the stupid piece. I had to laugh a little, cry a little more. 

Sir came home with roses and a pizza (wish I could share that photo) and after a late lunch, we headed over. We had good sex, we drank good booze, we made good conversation. I looked across the table at him out at dinner and felt that familiar tenderness. We woke up and made love, looking out the window at the city where we’d first met, where it first all came together. 

And I knew that things were not entirely resolved, but I knew I had to fight for this, that of course these things would not just keep on because of the perfect coincidence of our meeting, that love wasn’t just a point on a timeline but a repeated action. I watched the runners and the tourists, the cars and the taxis, the city that had once felt as if it were ours but soon would be where neither of us lived anymore. 

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nucleodeamor:

Uffff rico

Stuff that reminds me of Sir.

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Whipping Post, Epilogue

That night, we all went back to my place and fell asleep in my bed. By we all, I mean Pup, Saltine and I.

In the morning, we sort of ended up lazily touching each other, which turned into us all kissing and, well.

When I contacted Sir and checked that it was okay if I fucked Saltine, he replied with “sure but I thought you thought they were obnoxious.” 

Which yes but SORRY sometimes I can’t help myself. So we fucked around until we got hungry, and I walked into my kitchen to make breakfast. I could see through the doorway Pup still fucking Saltine in my bed, and it tapped into some weird mix of compersion and my mild mild mild cucking fantasy that made the encounter both sweet and hot. 

Afterwards, I ended up back in bed with them, Pup fucking me while Saltine watched. “I’m jealous,” Saltine said, and I thought they meant of me until they added, “I want to fuck her like that, Daddy.” (Yeah, Saltine and Pup had a tiny bit of a Daddy/little dynamic.)

I felt myself blushing as Pup pushed my face into my pillow. “You want them to fuck you?”

“M…maybe one day,” I stammered out. But I realized after Pup punished me for sassing him by pulling out and slapping my pussy, and Saltine got mean and told him he should do it again that yeah, okay, maybe I wanted to fuck this person sometime.

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Sir came for the weekend. Yesterday, we had a nice day together and then went to a play party with Pup and some of my friends, where he fulfilled one of my craziest fantasies. This morning, we realized he first spoke to me three years and two days ago (shush, we always miss the mark a little.)

I’ve got to drive him to the airport soon. I have been so grateful that he’s been in the states and that I’ve been able to have this much time with him this summer. But it only makes being with him feel like the norm, which is great until he’s gone. So, yeah, I’ll miss him a lot.

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Whipping Post, Part Two

He didn’t have a whip, so he used his belt.

I’ve mentioned time and again on here that I’m not a masochist, and people usually find that kind of funny. But I am genuinely not. I don’t enjoy pain. It takes a lot of work (and only recently has this actually come to fruition, but more on that another day) to get the right endorphin rush or zen head going from getting beaten. It’s happened, but it flat-out doesn’t. 

Pup’s a sadist. And he, like Sir, seem to enjoy pain play with me specifically because I am not a masochist. I consent to being hurt because I like giving someone the right to do that, I enjoy what that implies. Not because I like getting hurt. Neither of them are the kind of sadists who want someone egging them on to hurt them more. They want someone who, although they are consenting and enjoying the encounter, are not specifically liking what is going on because of the pain. And, yeah, I hate pain.

He mostly concentrated on my back and my butt, as well as the backs of my thighs. He stopped when I needed him to, but I found that as soon as the threshold widened to a point that I would start to adapt to the pain, he’d switch to someplace else. There is a point where I can kind of sink into pain and it becomes so constant that it almost feels comfortable. He never let me reach that point.

As awful as it felt, I liked that. I liked that he beat me on my upper arms, right in the sensitive place between the triceps and the biceps, forcing me to twist my bound wrists and hold my arms out to give him a good point to hit. I liked that he was paying enough attention to figure out when I was sinking into the pain, and then switch it up so quickly I barely had time to react. 

But I didn’t realize how turned on I was getting until he pushed himself up against me again and grabbed my throat. His other hand moved between my legs and he started laughing. “Want it already?”

I looked up at myself in the mirror and realized I was grinding against him. I’d been ready to tell him off, but instead I just blushed and whined, “will you please? I want to get fucked.”

He stepped away from me and managed to hit me between the legs with the belt. I cried out and rested my forehead against the post, feeling my eyes well up with tears. 

“Please?” I choked out.

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Somebody’s coming this weekend and omggg we have exciting plans!