Star’s visiting Sir in his neck of the woods. Right now the two are out and having a good time. I miss them both whole whole lot, and especially miss being able to hang out together.
Pup’s out on a date with a girl today and I’m really excited for him.
But, like, here I am holed up doing work and generally being stressed. And I really miss – with regards to both of these circumstances – being the center of attention.
/brat
« Etre adulte, c’est être seul. »
de Jean Rostand
Yesterday, I had difficult, vulnerable talks with both of the dudes in my life about all the crazy stuff like expectations and whatnot. Those of you who know me know that I am terrified of communication and vulnerability, so I wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to do this. But, both of these talks turned out really, really positively, and I was clear about what I wanted and needed, and I felt much closer to both of them as a result. So, go me for doing the scary thing. Twice.
Happy Valentine’s, tumblr. About to go eat Chinese food in my pajamas with Pup and Saltine. I miss Sir like crazy, but I’m thankful for what I have.
So I’m all subspaced on my couch right now with Pup because this photo took place, oh, maybe 30-40 min ago.
Pup and I were supposed to do something kind of nuts tonight, but he wasn’t feeling too well. So this is apparently what a tame night in looks like.
According to Pup, he and Sir totally made out that night we all played Jenga.
But guess whose asshole brain won’t bring back the memory?
Stupid spankbank. Withdrawal denied.
So if I’m very good and I meet a bunch of deadlines this week, Pup’s going to terrible things to me. If that isn’t motivation…
I wish I could say my trip to see Sir over Thanksgiving was start-to-finish splendid. At the beginning, the whole thing was a little strained. I arrived the night before Thanksgiving in a terribly delayed flight, and then the next afternoon we had to go our separate ways to see our respective families. I got home at about seven, he didn’t get home until much later and I was too tired to do much of anything.
We watched a movie and he made drinks, so I was then way too tired and tipsy to do anything in our dynamic or have sex. And though I wasn’t trying to then, I had been generally evasive about our dynamic since I had arrived, and Sir had clearly picked up on it. Lying in bed, we proceeded to have an argument about how there was something off, we weren’t falling into whatever natural thing we usually did, I was resisting something.
“It’s just that…” I stammered out, and I felt myself start to cry. “So, like, I feel like I’m developing feelings for Pup beyond like sort of just being like fuckbuddies or occasional play partners and so I feel like I’ve been carrying this around since I went on that trip and that I haven’t been able to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel like I was just trying to sub him out for you because that isn’t it.”
It’s weird how – in a relationship complicit in allowing us to date other people – I was ashamed to admit I actually liked those people. I felt like I had somehow betrayed him by letting myself actually care about Pup, and so I was tip-toeing around everything to avoid it.
"I told you to be careful,” Sir said, I realized he misunderstood. “This is what happens when you get vulnerable with people, you have to be careful.”
“No, stupid, he likes me back. I think.” I proceeded to explain the conversations Pup and I had been having. The fact that while I was away on that trip, I’d gotten drunk and went to text him saying I missed him, only to find that he had sent me a text like that, and wound up having this awkwardly frank conversation about liking each other. “You’re not mad, right?”
Sir cracked a smile, “so, sweetheart’s got a little crush, huh?”
I felt like something had been exorcised from the room.
Also uh I tried firecupping at the party the other day with a really cool and experienced domme. You can see the circles kind of mingled with the scratch marks and marks from some really cool knifeplay. Basically I’m rushing to get myself caught up so I can write about this party because holy crap.
But yeah, Pup and I tried firecupping together and it was nuts (in a good way.) She went a little harder on him than she did on me, and now his back looks like a domino.
Sorry for the poor quality of the photo of my back. (I do like the sweep of my hair at the top, though.) I’ll make Pup or somebody take a better one in the next few days, because apparently I’ve got these marks for a while.
I met Saltine before Pup did, at a munch a month or two prior. I first introduced them (the individual, preferred pronoun) in my post about being a brilliant wingwoman. But, yes, I’d met them prior to that time at a munch, where they gave me their number.
We texted rather sparsely. They’d send me a message, I’d reply a few hours later, they’d reply the next day. We were perfectly cordial with each other. I was a little taken aback to eventually discover that they were only eighteen years old (call me ageist or whatever else) and I figured that I would keep stuff friendly but not play with them or anything like that. When they asked if I was coming to a play party, I gave a soft maybe and – because my schedule was a little crazy – didn’t end up going.
But at an event in November, I noticed Pup checking Saltine out and I figured I’d help that along. After all, he didn’t mind dating younger the way I do and I was, at the time, his only partner. So, when the event ended, I managed to rally together Pup, Saltine, and some others to go share some fries.
As we walked over, we originally made our way up the block Wizard of Oz style: Pup, Saltine, my friend and I. I grabbed my friend by the arm and made her hang back with me so Pup and Saltine could walk ahead. At the restaurant, I went over to the bar first to talk to someone so that when I finally got to the table, I wasn’t sitting by Pup and he couldn’t just fall back on talking to me.
At the end of the night, Pup and I left together. Once we were outside, I couldn’t hold it in and blurted out, “please tell me you got their number.”
“Yeah,” he said. We high-fived and then he did that awkward walking-on-eggshells poly speech about blah blah how great the other partner is blah blah thank you for understanding. It’s a speech I’ve heard myself give so many times whenever I felt guilty for enjoying someone else, and hearing it out of his mouth, I realized how silly it sounded.
Over the next few days, I kept pestering to him to make plans with them. And, finally, they’d arranged to go get coffee. But, a few days before their plans, while Pup and I were doing some work at a cafe when they texted asking him for help with their homework.
“I don’t get why they’re texting me,” Pup said, ever-oblivious, “I don’t even-”
I rolled my eyes. “Jesus Christ. They are trying to hang out with you. Invite them here.”
So, Saltine showed up. I was a little embarrassed – I’d just spent the night at Pup’s place and I was wearing sweatpants and no makeup and my hair was a mess – and I hadn’t planned on being seen by anybody I hadn’t already woken up with. But, I took one for the team and stuck around, making sure everything was going well between them. And, when I knew the time was right, I excused myself and left the two.
That evening, I checked my phone to make sure he wasn’t free to text me. And the next morning, I found a message from him saying they’d spent the night and that the two of them were getting along swimmingly, in addition to having really good energy. I may have high-fived myself in the solitude of my bedroom.
Pup arrives at my house and rings the doorbell. I’d just been at his place a few hours ago.
Me: What are you doing here?
Pup: I texted you. I needed to get my toy bag.
Me: Didn’t Saltine just go over to your place? We were just texting.
Pup: Yeah.
Me: Then why are you over here? Go be with Saltine.
Pup: …all my condoms are in the toy bag.
Me: This is going on my stupid blog.