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“leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them." – Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell, a poem by Marty McConnell.

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In an effort to actually finish up stuff like I promised, I thought I’d share a story about the time I gave Switch a lap dance.

We’d made a bet and I had totally, kind of embarrassingly considering the circumstances, lost. So he told me he wanted me to dress up sleazy and give him a lap dance. Which made me laugh, initially, because I dress a little cutesy usually (lots of florals, skirts, sundresses, etc). And so half of it was extracting anything vaguely trashy from my wardrobe and constructing some vague semblance of an outfit for him.

“Can’t I just wear something lacy instead?” I texted him in frustration, “I’ve got lacy." 

"Nope,” he had replied, “you’re not going to get out of dressing up like a whore. You’re just lucky I’m letting you do this at my place and not making you walk over here dressed like this.”

So, I threw together this one vaguely slutty top, a pair of short-shorts, a ridiculously high pair of heels, a g-string and a pair of fishnet thigh-highs, put it all in a bag, and called it a day. When I reached his place, he left me to change into it and encouraged me that strippers wore a lot more makeup than I had on. I shook my head, took out my makeup bag, and proceeded to essentially crayola my face.

“Can I come in?” He called through the door as I was finishing up.

“No,” I whined, “I look silly.”

We both started laughing as he let himself in, but the second he saw me he kind of froze and the corners of his mouth curled up into one of the most indescribably sinister smirks I have ever seen in my life. “Well, look at you,” he murmured as he went to put his hand on my hip.

I slapped his hand away playfully and pointed to a chair. “No touching. Sit down.” My efforts to keep a straight face were fasting waning. 

Even if it was something for him, I’ll admit I got a little bit toppy – or maybe it was just bratty – when I was giving him the lap dance. I ground slow, I took excruciatingly long to take my clothing off, I teased myself over him, I kept pushing his hands off of me and telling him it was against the rules. We both nearly broke down laughing when he shoved a dollar bill down my panties. I was having trouble taking the whole thing seriously.

When I was down to my g-string, he reached down and tried to shove it aside. His fingers found my slit, stroking over it before trying to push up inside me. I feigned shock and stumbled away, attempting to straighten out the g-string. “You can’t do that,” I said as I turned to him, pouting. “It’s against the rules. You’d get kicked out.”

He got up to his feet, gathered up my wrists in a hand, and shoved me up against the wall. His fingers shoved into me once more. “Gonna get in trouble?” He asked.

“No,” I choked through a gasp, “but you are.”

He pulled his fingers out and spun me around, pushing me once more up against the wall. My cheek and breasts brushed the stucco roughly. And, as I felt his hand loop into my hair, keeping my face pressed into the wall, I started to take the game seriously.

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Guys, no, seriously. Look at this.

He’s wearing sunglasses in the bathtub.

Fuck him and everything he stands for.

A Conversation with Rolledtrousers

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Him: I want to buy [a vibrating egg].
Me: For your butt?
Him: But I’m not sure if I should. The dilemma, if I buy it…would it be gross if I use it on two girls? Like one relationship…then another?
Me: Hahahaha.
Him: Is that sort of thing okay? Because I don’t want to buy another.
Me: Usually the girl sort of keeps it after it’s been inside of her.
Him: Yeah, but I want that shit.
Me: Yeah, probably not happening.
Him: Not even if I clean it?
Me: Not even if you clean it.
Him: Guess I’ll have to have a long-term relationship, then. Balls. Same deal with gags? Or are they okay because it’s just spit?
Me: Nah, not the same with gags, I don’t think.
Him: I mean there’ll be spit on my dick. So I figure it’s okay.
Me: Oh my God stop.

A Tangent on Closed-Mindedness

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I am interrupting my sexy theme to just jot down some thoughts I have about something that just happened at work. Bear with me, skip if you like.

My boss is incredibly racist, sexist and homophobic. She’s at an age where she should really be retired. As a result, she’s cranky and generally unpleasant. I put serious consideration into quitting, but the children I work with love me, I love them and I couldn’t bear to leave them.

Well, today our ceiling leaked and the superintendent of the building I work in called in a repair man. He was Hispanic, spoke very little English, and this irritated my boss to no end. She kept complaining to me, with no evidence, that the man was lazy and a terrible worker and would not paint over the part of the ceiling he had removed. She had never worked with him in the past and was, honestly, just judging based on his race. When I told her I’d ask him if he would, she just snapped back that he wouldn’t and not to.

But, I speak Spanish and figured it was worth a try. I approached him and asked him about the paint. Lo and behold, the guy said of course he was going to. And if we didn’t have enough paint, he’d go out and try to find a color to match and be back.

When I relayed this information to my boss, she rolled her eyes and told me he wouldn’t and the man was “useless”. When he finished his work, she didn’t thank him. Shocked, I ran outside after him and gave him the thank you he deserved for his work. It was sort of crazy to me how little dignity my boss afforded the guy.

In thinking about this though, I start to think about what I’m going to be like when I’m old. While I’m fine with all sorts of “taboos” and I’m a supporter of cultural sensitivity, diversity and equality, I worry that there’s going to be a point where I’ll be crotchety and bigoted against something. What, I have no idea. But I figure even some of the radicals of yesteryear are prejudiced against something now. And, God, I hope that isn’t me one day.

(A Super Early) Thursday Thoughts.

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Because for some reason you guys enjoy these when I do them.
  • Can somebody tell me where the hell are trilbygrey and charlottesdress? Seriously. What happened? I sort of need those in my life to keep functioning.
  • For those of you who have not yet seen the pictures of David Cross walking through the airport in socks, Birkenstocks and a bedsheet, I would really encourage you to go google that shit.
  • Everybody go give herdirtylittleheart a hug. Seriously. She needs it.
  • In other news, I’ve been laughing over this tumblr a lot. Hint: Read the tags, too. Half the humor is in the tags.
  • I have a date next Saturday. Not to jinx myself, but I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Failing that, I have a great exit strategy.
  • I’ve decided not to give Mr. Finance the benefit of a second date. Because I have (metaphorical) balls and a brain, dammit. 
  • The rental car I have while we figure out my other car is sort of amazing. I’m used to driving this piece of junk and the dealership wound up giving me an upgrade after some problem that I’m fairly sure was a non-issue, but they felt bad and gave me a really nice car to drive around. So, I’m not going to exactly tell them that I wasn’t hassled. My driving habits are now confined to me not being used to driving a car that runs well and uncomfortably adjusting speed as I blast a bunch of Hip Hop radio stations and pretend I’m a classy media mogul. I’m a terrible driver, so I usually fluctuate between that behavior and feeling like I’m driving a future ten-car pileup.
  • I’ve learned how to handle any and all the bullshit in my life from now on. And it’s like this. So, I’m glad I’ve figured that out.
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Aaaand I’m blushing.

whyexactly:

Q: Can you do that with a strap on? Put it on her backwards, with the cock pointing in?

“B…, b…, but… you’re putting it on all wrong!”

-“Hold still and be quiet cupcake. It doesn’t matter what the other little girls’ daddies do, as I’m not the other little girls’ Daddy, am I?”

*pouts*

A: …

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Preach.

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Sometimes, you are snapshots. Found objects. Morsels. A trail of breadcrumbs.

You are things I must piece together, things I have borrowed without permission that came without instructions beyond a pamphlet written in a clunky, hasty attempt at a translation to English.

You are a certain North Atlantic triangle that claims to pull like migration patterns but, in my humble opinion, is more just an intersection with a terrible traffic light that sends us both barreling forward at the same time. 

Yet, in those rare, fleeting moments where the chemicals and the silver and the light come together, in those times when everything syncs beyond my understanding of how a camera or you or I function, there seems to be some semblance of clarity.

But this, too, is only a snapshot.