Chats

Been There, Done That.

Chat

Craftsmate: I want to try out this new flogger on you.
Me: My only concern is marking up my thighs all over again.
Craftsmate: I mean, I could do it on your back or your ass.
Me: With the other people around? I don’t exactly want to show a bunch of strangers my ass.
Craftsmate: …
Craftsmate: thinkivykink.tumblr.com
Me: God, I hate you.

A Conversation with Rolledtrousers

Chat

Him: I want to buy [a vibrating egg].
Me: For your butt?
Him: But I’m not sure if I should. The dilemma, if I buy it…would it be gross if I use it on two girls? Like one relationship…then another?
Me: Hahahaha.
Him: Is that sort of thing okay? Because I don’t want to buy another.
Me: Usually the girl sort of keeps it after it’s been inside of her.
Him: Yeah, but I want that shit.
Me: Yeah, probably not happening.
Him: Not even if I clean it?
Me: Not even if you clean it.
Him: Guess I’ll have to have a long-term relationship, then. Balls. Same deal with gags? Or are they okay because it’s just spit?
Me: Nah, not the same with gags, I don’t think.
Him: I mean there’ll be spit on my dick. So I figure it’s okay.
Me: Oh my God stop.

Louis CK on raising a daughter.

Chat

Louis CK: If you raise a girl with some confidence and you send her out in the world so she feels like she can do whatever she wants, she’s still going to get her face and her ass fucked but she’s going to do it on her terms.

Louis CK: She’s going to grab that dick by the base and go, “I want to suck this right now”.

Louis CK: This should be your goal as a father: That your daughter only sucks a dick that she thinks is delicious.

Since apparently SG will sleep with anything…

Chat

The thief: I sort of wish I could hug you, wrap you in a blanket and feed you pizza and cheap red wine.
Me: Ugh, you’re going to make me cry.
The thief: I’m really not sure I can cheer you up, unless i do the following: I hereby solemnly swear that I will never, ever, EVER hook up with SG behind your back.

More Sex, Less Class

Chat

SG: You should get your little ass over here. I want to see you bend over.
Me: I wish. I have class in like 10.
SG: Where are you?
Me: The library.
SG: I think you should touch yourself. Because your cunt needs to be fucked and I can’t do it from here.
Me: Oh yeah?
SG: Get over here. I want to destroy you.
Me: I have class.
SG: If it were up to me, you’d just be tied to my bed all day, legs spread. And a couple of times a day I’d come over and use you.
Me: I like that.
SG: I bet you do, slut.
Me: Except for the part where my muscles atrophy from lack of movement but fuck science this is dirty talk.
SG: This is why you need more sex and less class.

Shipping

Chat

Me: I think I am just about done with that guy from my frat. He just took a random girl home, he’s been sending way too many mixed signals, he’s also getting more and more ambiguous about his girlfriend…
My friend: No. NO. You can’t do that.
Me: Why not?
My friend: Because if this were a fanfic, I’d ship you guys. I’d ship you all day.
Me: Oh my God, stop it.
My friend: Listen, I was a dorky guy when I was a kid. But [a Brangelina-type mix of my and his name] is just too good.
Me: You definitely came up with that way too fast.
My friend: It’s a really good ship and you can’t mess with it.
Me: I can’t believe we’re having this conversation right now.

Clearly, senior year is going to be fabulous.

Chat

My future roommate and I cemented where we’re living next year today. It’s really lovely, in a great location and the common space is wonderful. While we were walking around and roughly planning what we’d do with the place, the heels on my shoes kept clacking on the wood floor.
.
My Roommate: How do you just walk around in those?
Me: I’m so short I’ve gotten used to it out of necessity. And I used to dance, so I’m sort of accustomed to being on my toes.
My Roommate: Oh, it’s like me on my knees…