stockings

It’s taken a lot for me to be able to admit to myself that I enjoy – and am worthy of – attention. I fall back so often upon fears of being demanding and anxiety over how much space I am allowed to take up in the world, in other people’s lives, in my own priorities.

And as much as it’s manifested personally, it’s manifested on a level in my kink as well. I find it so hard to ask for the things I like by name because I fear I’ll come across as far too demanding, I’m afraid to admit that I love attention because I fear I’ll be considered self-centered or that I’ll be slut-shamed.

But I’ve been trying so hard to throw that burden off of myself in other areas of my life, and I feel like I need to do that here as well. So, yes, anons who call me a narcissist, I might just be a little bit of an attention whore. And, no, I’m not going to waste my energy at the next play party or orgy I go to trying to hide how much I sincerely and wholeheartedly want to be there.

Yeah, I like receiving attention. And maybe sometimes I’ll overstep it and be a little too needy or a little too demanding, but I would rather that than worry that I am simply taking up too much space.

So I’ve got this fantasy where a handful of people gather around to just sit and watch me in a situation like this. Just to talk and laugh, have a few drinks, maybe occasionally pull the chain between the clamps or brush my hair off of my face.

I guess I just really, really like that sort of inattentive attention. Like a bunch of people crowded around me, but also being absorbed in their own business. So I’m just kind of the background noise to whatever else is going on, but I’m still clearly a focal point.

Hi can I just dress like this every second of every day?

Last night, for the first time, I watched Sir experience the sort of feelings I’ve been going to in facing our ethical non-monogamy.

When it comes to Daddy, Sir never has a problem. I’m not sure if it’s just that Daddy is a girl or that Daddy and I have been friends for a while, but Sir has always been encouraging and unintimidated about my relationship with her.

But, last night, Sir expressed that he wished I hadn’t stayed out so late with him, even if I was only out until 12:30. When he followed up by saying he might feel safer for me if he met the guy I was seeing, he stopped himself and decided he wasn’t sure whether or not he would actually want to meet him. As we talked, I saw glimpses of the jealousy and fear I had been experiencing with him.

And, as awful as that sounds, it felt great.

Sir sees two other girls besides me, though I am his primary partner, his girlfriend, etc. While I know what I mean to him, it is always difficult to be one hundred percent secure in my place in our relationship. I’m sometimes worried he’ll decide someone is better or that I could be replaced. And now to be the one in this position where I watch my boyfriend trying to figure out the security of his place in our relationship while I just sit back and enjoy is some selfish fun. It’s nice to feel sexy and desired and not the one worrying back at home.

What’s more, I’m hoping this will make us both more empathetic to each other’s concerns. I’m learning that yeah, just like I wouldn’t replace Sir with this guy, Sir won’t replace me. And he’s hopefully learning that my fears are not irrational at all.

“We crave permission openly to become our secret selves.” – Salman Rushdie, The Moor’s Last Sigh.

So I somehow wound up flirting with this very pretty girl who is new to poly but not so new to kink on okcupid today.

And I weirdly started getting a little dommy with her and she was being all sweet and egging me on.

This could be interesting, but I’m kind of freaking out because I barely know what I’m doing.

How fortunate for certain squirmy girls that house-calls aren’t simply for general practitioners anymore.

Is it weird that I find the way that guy is touching her arm and holding her hand to be hotter than the fact that there’s a guy licking her pussy?

Overwhelmed, Part Seven

The Southern Gentleman grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back so I was lying down on the futon. He stroked his cock, smirking down at me as Sir handed him a condom. Leaning down, he hitched my legs up and pushed some of my hair from my face.

Sir stood over him, kind of watching. The dynamic kind of made me blush: him overseeing, watching as SG lined his cock up with my dripping pussy.

“Look at you, all tight,” SG murmured as he teased the opening of my pussy with the tip of his cock. He dug his thumbnails into the skin of my thighs as he thrust into me. I gasped, staring first at him before watching Sir standing back, watching with a smile.

He fucked me like that for a little before flipping me over and taking me from behind. Sir came around in front, reaching down to stroke my hair, and I sucked his cock.

“That’s a good girl,” one of them said. I could barely tell who, I was a little delirious.

I felt SG pull out of me and I slumped a bit forward against Sir. “You want to fuck her then?” SG asked and pushed me down onto my back.

“Yeah, but here,” Sir said, rolling me over and grabbing me by the hips. I felt like a ragdoll, being moved around like that. He dragged me back up onto my hands and knees, but I was now facing SG. “Like this.”

Sir’s got a big job interview thing tomorrow. So, naturally, I called him up and made sure he was going to bed. And bright and early tomorrow, I’m making him call me to confirm that he’s up and ready and alert. Because part of serving him isn’t just all the sexy stuff, and I’m very glad to do it.

Ivy

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