lifestyle – Ivy

On New Year’s Eve, I was at a play party with Sir and his other partner, Sophie. At one point during the night, Sir and Sophie were off together and I was out on the balcony getting some air. My coat was over my lingerie, and the chill felt kind of good on my stockinged legs.

I ended up talking to a guy out there who had seen me playing with Sir earlier and had come over with his partner. Sir had let them touch me a little bit, teasing me as they ran their fingers over my nipples and cheeks.

“So, what,” the guy kind of blurted out, “are you two going to just keep doing this until he takes you out to the suburbs and gets you pregnant?”

I stared at him, incredulous. I could see that between the time he’d played with me and then found me out on the balcony, he was a little drunk.

“No, I don’t know.” I was too shocked to formulate something more articulate. But if I saw him now, I’d say that this isn’t a phase, this isn’t some wild youthful outburst. This isn’t some crazy thing I do to get the guy I’m seeing excited until I can pacify him into settling down.

It’s weird now to try to navigate the scene without Sir. He brought me to my first munch and my first play party. But this is a part of me, and I’m grateful to him for bringing me out of my shell. So I’m ready to keep going and never totally grow out of this.

Has this been an issue for me with partners in the past? Hell to the yeah. Terms are always a weird topic to go over. You feel so vulnerable presenting what you want. You’re not even sure it’s what you want half the time and you keep going over it in your head wondering if you can handle that or if that isn’t nearly enough. Terms of any kind of relationship are that way, I suppose. But when it comes to something of this nature, its “tabooness” and the associated discomfort factor in a lot. The emotional drain. The urges. The constant fluctuation of libido. The interplay of intention (for sexual gratification, for fun, for power, for love). It’s all a lot to handle.

inherkissitastetherevolution:

gpoy.

Seriously.

So, I got into a really amazing conversation with that friend from elementary school and we were making jokes about having to “come out”. And she goes, “so, are you out to everyone?"

And I really thought about it. In truth, I’m not. There are some people I have withheld my sexuality from and I never really understood why. Then, it sort of came to me. I wouldn’t walk up to someone and be like, "oh, hi, my name is Ivy and I’m straight.” Nobody does that.

So, why does sexuality have to come to the table so quickly? Or at all? Why does it even warrant explanation? If I’m in a relationship, I’m in a relationship. Not a gay relationship, not a straight relationship. Thus, I’m thinking here that maybe this whole notion of having to “reveal” gayness/bisexuality/whatever the hell you want to call it is a really silly, unnecessary process that really only further etches this line that we’ve been trying to erase.

Man, this tumblr has gotten preachy. I promise to tone it down!