When I was driving home from the gym, this song came on the radio. SG had sent it to me a month or so after it came out. That enough sort of stung, but then:

“Well, I know that I’m not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought, you and me would find new ways to fall apart.”

Elle once told me radios were psychic like that. Once, when she and I were fighting in her car, our song came on the radio and she patted the dashboard with a chuckle.

It all sort of felt like a cruel joke.

But it was really those words that got to me. I had never been too upset about his girlfriend beyond the occasional hiccup, never cared about his other hookups at all. This one made me feel gutted. I thought of them, briefly, together, and I actually felt nauseous.

And so I started screaming in traffic. Windows up, of course.

I’m heading out in a bit to a friend’s 21st birthday. Hopefully it will take my mind off of everything. Odds are, I’ll probably need someone carrying me home tonight. Whatever.

Ivy out.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

Oh, tumblr, I just can’t make myself sleep. I hate this feeling.

Things I am stressed about today:

Last night, I accompanied my best friend out and may have allowed her to get a little wasted at a party. At one point in the evening, she pounced on me and tried to make out with me. I managed to wrestle her off, knowing she was totally not in the right state of mind, and she almost started crying because of some trouble with a guy she had been hooking up with. Awesome.
During the evening, I completely said the wrong thing to that guy from my frat and I am fairly sure I may have completely screwed things on even a friendship level there.
The evening ended in me, her, and her ex-boyfriend in a shouting match in the student center at three in the morning when she wanted to go home with him. He was absolutely awful to her and he got ultra-defensive when I asked her if she was going to be okay with this decision.
Today, I finally heard from her. She doesn’t remember last night, partially from being blackout drunk and partially because they had such violent sex her head knocked the headboard and she got a concussion.
When I told her what she did last night, not realizing she was just getting out of a hospital, she broke down crying and called herself the worst person on Earth.
I am now headed over to her room with cookies so we can sit around and bitch about men.

Seriously, tumblr, can I ever just catch a break?

I’m in the home stretch. I just can’t get myself to sit still and finish.

I would just like to share that I was bright enough today to wear my shoulder-bag all day when taking a long, nearly twelve mile, walk in the sun. The result is the most awkward tan/burn-line on the face of the Earth.

prowlingman:

Let me put some aloe on you…

Fuck. I miss him.

We just had a pretty frank conversation with each other. I know I talk way too much about us, but I’m at this awful tipping point and I just don’t know what’s happening. We miss each other. We love each other. And that really, really sucks. Seriously.

Because, facts upon facts, we can’t make it work right now. And it would easier to be like “oh, blah, you weren’t worth my time”. But it’s hard to shake the fact that I feel like maybe it was worth some more effort.

And he’s saying stuff like “I’ll probably always regret ending this” and he keeps blaming himself for all this and I really don’t know what to do with myself. Because I can’t let go of people. I can’t. It’s like a clinical sickness that we’ve failed to place in the DSM IV.

I’m sorry I’ve strayed away from the sexiness and playfulness that I was trying to achieve with this tumblr. But, ugh, this all came about and I just can’t figure out what I want to do with myself. Part of me is like “oh, goodie, freedom” and part of me is having such a huge problem with figuring out what the hell to do with myself.

I know I’ve been very light about the whole situation in the past. Even when I mentioned the negative about it, I tried to stay positive. But, God, it’s getting so difficult and neither of us are handling it very well at all.

Sorry for the rambling. Seriously. Feel free to skip this sucker over.