“But I don’t want comfort. I want poetry. I want danger. I want freedom. I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley, Brave New World.

Well, I got the results of my biospy for that freckle today. It’s benign!

There has been a lot of cancer in my immediate and extended family and I’m naturally a little bit of a worrier, so sometimes I just assume the worst. I was pretty flippant about the whole thing to most people, but there was a little nag in the back of my head that maybe it was something worse.

But, fuck you, cancer, you haven’t caught up yet.

Once my face heals up completely, I can continue my sexytimes in peace. Amen.

“Every time I write, every time I open my eyes. I am cutting out parts of myself to give to you. So, shake the dust and take me with you when you do. None of this has ever been for me.”

There’s a lot I could say about this. About ideas, about sharing, about writing, about the human experience. About who I was when I first saw this video and who I am now. But I’m not going to sully it with anything further of myself. This is all yours as much as it is mine.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

Sexually, I’m an exhibitionist.

Personally, I’ve been told I’m extremely guarded. Some people use the romanticized mysterious. An ex, while fighting with me, once used the word “mean” to imply cold, aloof. Apparently, I’m horribly “mean”.

It may sound hilarious with how personal I get on here, but I typically don’t like people knowing my business. I’ll get embarrassed if people find out I’ve hooked up with someone, regardless how I feel about the person.

I don’t know what to say for myself, honestly. I suppose a lot of it stems from the fact that I usually have no idea who I am when I really get down to it. I have some minor identity issues. I’m never entirely sure who I am, what I want, where I’m going. And so I’m never fully sure how to present myself.

Tumblr helps, certainly. I have gotten wildly candid on here a few times. I think the fact is that I actually do want to share, but I’m uncomfortable about the sounding boards I’m given. I don’t want to come across as cold, aloof, mysterious… “mean”. But sometimes it just makes me comfortable.

After I’m played with, I go right to a mirror. I like to hunt for bruises, for burst capillaries, for scratches. I think certain kinds bruises look gorgeous, the way the color manifests itself on the skin. I’ve always thought hickeys looked like fireworks. I like the feeling of being marked and being in some way possessed through this.

I carry myself differently when I’m bruised. I usually make a concerted effort to cover them, but I still recognize they’re there. They make me hyperaware of my body. They make me feel gorgeous and unique.

The thinkivykink story.

The uncertainty of self.

Not the preggers aspect.

I’m not preggers, I promise.

The truth will set you free.

I haven’t been completely honest with you, tumblr. It’s not that I’ve lied. It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s just that I haven’t told you the whole truth.

The major dip in personal posts is not because I completely went off the radar for months at a time. I was seeing people. I was having fun. I had some crazy experiences. I’ve really seen myself change and evolve and let go. It was honestly inspired.

But, there was someone reading my tumblr who I was previously involved with. Someone who then showed it to a girl who was submitting to him. I felt terribly exposed, so I kind of closed up shop. I considered completely deleting my tumblr. I considered changing the name. I was just panicked and worried that if I were to upset him in some way that this would turn into horrible blackmail. I want to be anonymous, he was unashamed. It wasn’t a good mix.

Also, he was still very attached, while I had moved on completely. It hurt to see him that way. I felt bad. And, with the knowledge that he still looked at my tumblr, no matter how many times I told him not to, I was upset and concerned about breaking him down with the fact that I was now seeing other people. He was, for some reason, and without even asking, under the impression that I wasn’t.

However, we recently have, for other reasons, closed down most communication. And I’m just full of these stories. And I want to trust you all. I want to trust that this stays between us. And I know that’s silly to say, with hundreds of followers, a bunch of anons, and apparently this girl he was involved with all on tumblr and watching me here.

I had so much trouble keeping a journal all my life. But, for some reason, tumblr keeps me motivated. I guess it’s because of the love and the positivity. And so I want to try to be honest here. I want to recount what happened in these many months past. I want to tell you the sexy and the funny and the downright awkward. I want to tell you the sad.

I want to say that I would be able to own up to my tumblr if it were used against me, but I’d rather never have to think that would happen. I do not resent my ex for what he has done, though I hope that, if he is reading this message (even after saying he had completely stopped looking at my tumblr), he will be able to look upon this with respect and not contempt.

You all have been so wonderful, so supportive. And I hope this continues. I’m trusting you here.

<3,

Ivy