Hi tumblr,

Recently I had a follower send me a message saying it was my responsibility to specifically detail what the guy in this post did. Apparently, since I have a large readership, it’s my duty to spell out for all of you exactly what went down, exactly why it was wrong, etc. 

The fact that this is pretty freaking patronizing aside, I figured I should clarify something:

I didn’t omit the specific acts in this post to be artistic or to make my writing look pretty or to leave some enchanting mystery about his crimes. I did it because, honestly, I have my own limitations here. And it is frankly difficult to write specifically about someone doing something this horrendous. 

Let me explain by saying for all the apologists for people like the Steubenville rapists, I’m sure there were those kids who felt completely fucking blindsided by the whole thing. Like, that guy was in my math class and this could have been me. Or, I’ve been drunk around that guy in the past and I had no idea I was sharing such intimate space with a predator. 

I cannot believe I actually have to write this out, but let me be explicit in this one area: I let a rapist touch me consensually. I gave a rapist a blowjob. 

Admitting that alone is indescribably nauseating. It is unfathomably shameful and frightening. I have been sick over it.

So does it maybe make sense here why I’m not specifically detailing his acts? It’s not that I’m trying to protect him. It’s not that I’m trying to withhold a valuable educational experience. It’s that, perfectly freaking honestly, writing about this stuff is traumatic to me. I had a pretty fucking close call here. 

I apologize if anyone else felt my withholding of information was somehow irresponsible, but let me be clear: this is my blog. I need to take care of myself first.

And enumerating the acts of a person who is otherwise unidentifiable will really do nothing beyond making me feel even more torn up than I have already felt. 

So let me be really clear here:

1. If she/he/etc isn’t saying yes, it’s rape.

2. If her/his/etc ability to say yes is impaired by something – alcohol, unconsciousness – it’s rape. 

3. If you slap somebody outside of the context of a scene, where there is no consent, negotiation and safewords, it is abuse. 

4. If she/he/etc is a minor, it’s rape.

5. If she/he/etc tells you to stop and you keep going, it’s rape.

6. If she/he/etc is hesitant and you push on anyway, ignoring them, it’s rape.

That’s as explicit as I’ll be here. I’m not going to spell out specific instances because, frankly, being asked to defend myself here is traumatic enough.