Hey Tumblr.
Pup and I are road tripping our way to warmer weather for the holidays. And possibly – POSSIBLY – seeing a certain old friend.
I’ve got a little bit of a queue up for the next little bit. So happy holidays to you and yours.
pup
I just think you’re pretty and I want to fuck your butt.
Monday night pillow talk from Pup.
Insolence, Part Two
StandardWe pulled up to Rex’s place and I felt a lump rise in my throat. He lived in a pretty fancy apartment complex, complete with a freaking person in a little hut who offers you a parking pass. Just…bananas.
So I was all anxious because it was becoming more and more apparent to me that this person is a real adult with nice adult things and I’m, you know, me. And Pup, noticing how I’ve gotten all quiet, reached over and squeezed my thigh. “Calm down. You’re going to have a good time. Just relax.”
To which I’m basically like:
After taking the elevator up to his floor, I started up the hall. The thrumming of the low bass of some music grew louder as I neared his door. I had to smirk, I knew this move. And, okay, maybe he just liked loud music, but I’ve totally thrown that kind of stuff on to drown out the sex I was anticipating having. I figured knowing he was being a little presumptuous would give me the upper hand.
But when I stepped inside, I was taken aback by the fact that he first thing he said after greeting me and kissing me hello was to suggest I take off my shoes. Yeah, after the whole “wear comfortable shoes” thing that left me freaking out over footwear before arriving. It was a fucking power play.
Which, in part, made me crazy. But also, in part, indicated to me that Rex might just be into power dynamics. Or, yeah, he could’ve just been a jerk. Either way, I was totally bamboozled.
His apartment had one of those floor-to-ceiling windows with an incredible view. For a while, was just sat around, talking about ourselves and watching the sunset. “Anyway,” he said. “What do you like? I mean, what are you into?”
I chuckled. “You mean, like, sexually?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Exactly that.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Oh no. I’m not going first. I don’t want to weird you out or set crazy expectations.” He put his arm around me and started laughing. “No, I’m dead serious. You first.”
Rex cleared his throat. “Well, all right. I guess I should start by saying, in at least most relationships, I’m dominant.”
“Well,” I responded, looking at my feet. “I’m usually a sub.”
“Bondage?” He asked, and I nodded.
“Yeah,” I said, “that’s kind of a big thing for me.”
He reached up and slid my blazer off of my shoulders. “Ageplay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sometimes.”
Rex pulled my dress off of me and slipped my stockings down. He kept naming kinks, I kept affirming them. It was going well. And when he rolled on a condom and went to slide inside me, I tried to up the ante by saying, “no. Turn me over. Fuck me like a whore.”
He slipped into me. “It’s always fucking you like a whore if it’s fucking you.”
Me:
Insolence, Part One
A week after the party, Pup and I were in the car headed towards Rex’s place. He lived rather close to Azure, and so it was fairly convenient for Pup to arrange an evening with her while I went to see Rex.
I know this sounds absurd, but I was nervous that this was going to be awful. We had crazy heat-of-the-moment sex at a party, and while that involves a certain kind of chemistry, it doesn’t really guarantee that we’d have any sort of chemistry sitting down and just talking. Or, you know, having sex that wasn’t crazy porno impulse sex.
Also, I wasn’t that sure he was kinky. Which I wish I could say isn’t a total dealbreaker for me, but I’m busy. And I hate to say that I don’t want to give away time unless I’m totally into it, but, well, yeah. I have a job that’s pretty demanding and, as it stands, my free time is rather limited. So, okay, I’ve been kind of triaging people and interests. For as selfish as it feels, one of my good friends insists that this is a form of self-care.
So my worst-case scenario was I get there, we have nothing to talk about, we either have some tepid sex or just stare at each other in total discomfort. I expressed this in the car to Pup, and he replied, “you have to stop insisting that everything is going to be terrible.”
There was certainly evidence that it wouldn’t be. Rex and I had been texting a little during the week, and the tone had been pretty playful. He was clever, but kind of full of it. Not to mention I legitimately could not get even remotely one iota of a plan out of him as to what to do, so I didn’t know what to wear. (Yeah, I know, shut up.)
I’d decided on the outfit I’d literally worn the day before to work, mostly because an intern turned to me in the elevator and said, “I’m sorry if this is weird but you look incredible.” So, I took her word for it and just washed the blue dress that managed to skim my curves without looking tight or inappropriate and lint-rolled the blazer. Also, I wanted to look like I’d come right from work (it was a Friday) and hadn’t given much of a fuck. (In reality, I’d had time to go home, eat a quick dinner, walk the dog and change clothes.) But then Rex threw this curveball to wear comfortable shoes and I was thrown for a little bit of a loop. My comfortable shoes are my workout shoes. So I wore boots and figured we weren’t hiking. Or hoped we weren’t.
“Just enjoy yourself,” Pup added. “Don’t think too much about it.”
Most Pup meme ever, honestly.
Impulse, Part Nine
StandardLater on, after he’d played with Azure, Pup took me back upstairs into a different room. He put me on my hands and knees and slid inside me. “Look at that,” he murmured in my ear, “you’re still wet from him, baby.”
I’m not going to lie to you. Our poly isn’t always perfect, my life usually isn’t that sexy. For every Friday night spent in lingerie or some scanty costume at a play party are another three or four spent in sweatpants catching up on Netflix and doing laundry. But I had a great time, I did something brave and, after a really tough shit-constantly-happening-everything-going-wrong kind of year, I got back out there.
Impulse, Part Seven
The couch cleared off for us, and “Rex”/Rhett and I settled down on it. Someone set a timer on their phone for three minutes. I laid back and Rex angled himself over me, looping an arm around me and kissing me again.
I genuinely want to say we made it to three minutes. Even two and a half. But at some point I had my legs around his waist and Rex’s hands were moving over my body, starting to remove the rest of my clothing. His lips were soft, the stubble on his face rough, his hands strong and imploring. There was something about it that just worked, some weird combination of that fact that I hadn’t been to a party in a while, had come into this evening with no expectations, and had suddenly gotten into this encounter with someone I had pretty strong chemistry with.
“Honestly, it was like a porn,” Pup said later. “Not like, in terms of hotness. It was hot. But in terms of people just kind of dropping everything and wanting to fuck.”
There was a rule at the party to use the rooms upstairs for sex or scenes in order to respect people’s bondaries, and so we decided to try to be discreet and sneak upstairs. Of course, just about everyone in the group noticed. “Wow,” the host said. “Didn’t even get to three minutes, huh?”
As I headed up the stairs, I looked to Pup to make sure this whole thing was all right, and was rewarded with just about the goofiest grin and thumbs-up ever. (Poly victory?)
When we got upstairs, we discovered someone had moved the condoms out of the room. I took a deep breath, headed back down the stairs, and called out to the host, “hey…can we get a condom?”
The group still in the circle cheered.
Photo by Kai Warszus
Half-jokingly told Pup that I wanted to be gang-banged for Christmas and now he’s like considering planning that and ahhhhhhhhh.
Impulse, Part Six
Standard“We should, ah, we should maybe do something later,” I said to the guy on the couch who had kissed me while I was blindfolded. He looked a bit older than me, blond, a bit mischievous-looking (though considering the context, this made sense.) He was rather tall, though I had deduced as much when blindfolded from how I had to tilt my head to kiss him. When I propositioned him like that, in possibly the vaguest way possible, he – and a few other people around the circle – laughed. “Uh,” I added, “what’s your name?”
I was blushing. Pup was cracking up next to me.
The guy on the couch said his name, but I totally misunderstood it. (For the purposes of anonymity on the Internet, let’s say his name was Rhett and I misheard it as Rex. It was that level of like close-sounding names.) And rather than asking him to repeat himself I was like, internally, ok I think I heard Rex let’s just go with that but maybe don’t call this person by his name right away in case you’re really wrong.
People continued drawing cards around the circle. I watched Pup give a guy a pretty righteous spanking from a dare on the guy’s card, as well as saw him go to town licking this girl’s toes. I mean, the entire group was sort of speechless and transfixed watching it. Otherwise, there were kisses, slaps, massages. When it was “Rex”’s turn, he drew a card that had him share the craziest place he’d ever had sex. And though the location was pretty wild, it didn’t give much indication as to whether he fell more into the category of “swinger” or “kinkster.” After all, the whole kissing thing could have been because he wasn’t actually into hurting people or humiliating them.
When my own turn came up, I thought I might have the chance to see. Instead, I drew a requisite “check-in” card, which I am ***NOT COMPLAINING*** about because checking in is super important during an activity like this. But I got my opportunity when “Rex” drew a card and smirked.
“So, it says to have three minutes ‘in heaven’ with another person in front of the group. Any takers?” he asked. He was looking right at me.
I pretended to be all easy-going and raised my hand, saying, “oh, I’d be down.” But internally I was like:
Impulse, Part Five
I’d told everyone my limits and clarified what didn’t feel good for me, though I could not clearly express what I wanted. There wasn’t much I could put to words, considering what was about to happen.
I tied the blindfold over my eyes and waited.
For a moment, nothing happened. Naturally, my thoughts drifted to the worst ideas: no one else was into this or into me, I’d upped the ante way too soon, I was making people uncomfortable. It’s the kind of insecurity that has plagued my relationship to kink forever: the fear of being the only one who actually enjoys it. Which, yeah, at a play party is absolutely absurd.
The moment, though perhaps an eternity in my head, was maybe the length of one deep breath. And then everything: hands, mouths. Someone untying the belt on my skirt. Someone biting my neck. A hand in my hair, a hand on my ass. A hand settled at my side, pulled me a bit forward, and someone’s lips met mine. I reached up and placed a hand on the body in front of me. As I felt the scrape of an unfamiliar patch of stubble, I realized I wasn’t kissing someone I had kissed before.
The whole thing – the hands, the fingers, the mouths – was impossibly hot, but something was incredible about the fact that a stranger had come over in the midst of the probing and grabbing and biting to grab me and kiss me. Maybe it was the fact that the action was the most vanilla of anything that was happening, the most commonplace. The only thing that could have been done outside of the context of me being blindfolded at a play party. My friend suggested that it was the fact that the person had grabbed me and initiated something so intimate in the midst of a group like that. “It was like he was claiming you,” she said. I don’t know how sold I am on that idea.
And just as quickly as it all began, it was over. Someone reached out and tickled my stomach, making me double over. I recognised the host’s voice: “I think that’s enough for you.”
I removed the blindfold and sat back down, barely able to look up at the group now that I had no idea who had been touching me and where. Even though I knew it wasn’t him, I turned to Pup and asked, “was that you kissing me?”
“Nah,” he said. “I was biting you mostly.”
Mustering up all the bravery I could manage to make eye contact with everyone, I looked around the circle and asked, “all right, who was it?”
A guy on the couch raised his hand.