When 98% of the guys who message me on okcupid open with the line, “I just have to tell you that you’re beautiful” or “first of all, you’re beautiful” or “I’m sure you get this a lot, but you’re beautiful” or “I wanted to let you know that you’re beautiful.”

Trust me, kiddo. I know.

And I hate the whole reverse negging that comes with a guy congratulating himself for reaching out to me because “I’m sure you get tons of messages.” Like I’m supposed to give him a pat on the back for being brave enough to reach out to me.

When I was a little girl, well-meaning relatives told me I was far too intimidating. Which really meant that for a guy to talk to me, he’d have to overcome the fact that I came off as someone who didn’t need somebody to reassure her of her inherent value. I even get messages from guys that say I’m intimidating or that I “look like a challenge.”

A little word to the wise for all the straight guys who read my blog: You don’t deserve a pat on the back for talking to a woman who seems like she has her shit together. You don’t deserve a pat on the back for talking a good-looking or intelligent or accomplished woman because doing so might be “hard” or might force you to oh, I don’t know, treat a woman like an equal.

It’s just as misogynistic as telling a woman she’s “hot for a fat girl” or that “you don’t usually date girls who look like her” because it comes from the same place of wanting the woman to feel grateful that you gave her a chance. Trust me, you’re not doing me any favors by talking to me.

The people I’ve been most attracted to were the ones who didn’t treat my achievements like a potential dealbreaker, who didn’t call me “intimidating” but instead called me fascinating or clever or exciting.

This has been a rant.

I have been on this site for almost three years. I’ve been in a relationship with Sir for one of those three.

During that entire time, I’ve used a lot of photos of white couples to tell stories about the stuff we do. Tumblr – and the entirety of the porn industry – is really white-washed. And I know how annoying this is coming from a white girl.

But what’s especially annoying is that if we were “the other way around,” I’d have a plethora of photos. Which is a whole other problematic rabbit hole, but the fact is that it’s always felt vaguely wrong or frustrating when one of us posts a picture of a white couple and is implies that it’s “so us.”

And then I stumbled across the photo. It is the first time I have seen a picture on tumblr of an Asian man and a white woman. I’m worried here that like every other word I write is super problematic, but there’s something really awesome and weirdly validating about finally seeing a picture like this.

Oh, and looking at their dynamic, it is “so us.”

hellyeahmalepornstars:

Such a cute photo

Hey, Mister.

Ivy Dates #2: A Second Chance?

So, Mr. Finance texted me the other day asking me if I’d had a nice time and saying that he really wanted to take me out again.

In the words of the immortal Amy Winehouse: What kind of fuckery is this?

My knee-jerk reaction was just to not respond. I had not had a nice time. But, I replied that I had and hoped it would just end there. But, it didn’t. And, so, somehow, I agreed to let him take me out again.

I promise, followers, I have a few reasons. One, I figure sometimes people get nervous, get weird, get obnoxious, get all sorts of things when trying to impress another person. So, I figure he deserves a second chance and if it’s really awful that’s that. Two, I can be a little bit of a snob. I can see a few undesirable things about someone and blow other things out of proportion to convince myself that they aren’t the right person for me to try to protect myself from disappointment. And, that’s a little obnoxious.

So, Mr. Finance gets another chance, while I try to figure out how to say no to people.

I’m about to lose followers, but bear with me here. Please.

I feel like I’m being torn in two constantly. I’m a Christian. I’m a kinky, bisexual girl. And, for some reason, there’s a terrible assumption that these two are mutually exclusive.

Both Christianity and my sexuality are huge, huge hot-button issues which make a lot of people uncomfortable. On the Christianity end, I understand that it’s because a lot of Christians have a tendency to make other people feel uncomfortable about their lifestyles by being hateful, rude, and ignorant. I’ve got it. Trust me. But, c’mon, it’s me, Ivy, and I’m not that kind of girl. At all. I’m pro-choice. I’m bisexual and I think gay marriage is a basic right that we’ve been foolishly denying people for fear that it would “destroy the institution of marriage” (in my opinion, it would only strengthen it. I mean, look at how strong a lot of lgbt relationships are!). I’m kinky as a cheap garden hose. Look at my freaking tumblr if you don’t believe me.

Christianity, to me, is not about the exclusivity and the harshness. Perhaps it’s a way different experience for me than it is for other people. I’m sure a lot of other people would call me rude. But, here it is: Christianity, for me, is realizing that it is within my nature that I am this way, I am incapable of being anything other than what I am without feeling miserable, and that my creator understands and loves me for what I do. At the core of my Christianity is love. That’s sort of God’s thing. He loves people. And he’s got a son he put through hell and high water to prove it.

But, honestly, I’m not going to get into the route of my faith, the concepts, what I think of Jesus, etc. I’m rather going to stress here a surprising finding I’ve come up with in being kinky, queer, sexually liberated and Christian. It’s usually not the Christians who give me a lot of hate for being the former, it’s my friends who are the former who give me crap for being the latter.

A lot of my Christian friends who I’ve opened up to about my sexuality are incredibly supportive of my lifestyle. And a lot of my non-Christian, kinky, non-straight friends who I’ve told about my religion are incredibly supportive. But, of course, on both ends I get judgment. I’ve been called a bad Christian by both sides. I’ve been called a bad kinkster, member of the lgbt community, etc by both sides. And it really, really troubles me that the two have this duality. I’m comfortable in my faith. I’m comfortable in my sexuality. It just seems like other people get really, really uncomfortable.

For instance, when I tell my non-Christian friends who are on the more “libertine” end, they’re usually the ones to jump to “you must be judging us” or “you’re too smart for something like that”. They get defensive. I remember one specific instance when I was out with my girlfriend (at the time) and a friend. Here I am, in my openly lesbian relationship where she doms me and blah-blah and this friend blurts out, “I just can’t believe you’re a Christian, it’s something judgmental idiots with shotguns do."

I’d like to imagine I’m intelligent. I’d like to imagine that I’m accepting. I don’t own a shotgun. And I’d say a pro-choice, vag-licking, spank-enjoying, threesome-relishing girl can still enjoy a healthy relationship with the big guy upstairs.

So I guess what I’d just like to say is that this whole dichotomy between either being a Christian or being whatever term you’d like to assign to my sexuality is pretty darn frustrating. I really hope I haven’t offended or upset anyone. I’m just saying that while there should be a lot more respect for both ends of this spectrum, there should also be respect and acceptance for those people living in the grey area. Because there’s a lot more people than me sitting pretty there.