He leaves very early tomorrow morning.
I am so, so proud of him.
But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t still sting.
feelings
“I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.
Ugh, my stupid heart.
“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern.” – Frank O’Hara, Meditations in an Emergency.
“No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood.
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed.
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again.”
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.
I’m leaving Sir’s place tonight after being here for about three weeks.
It wasn’t totally easy. There were wonderful days and there were days when I found myself sitting there wondering what the hell was happening to us. But mostly there were the times I would look over at him and just be so grateful to be here with him.
A lot of the unpleasantness hinged on something he’s mentioned on his blog but I’ve struggled to write about here. Sir got an amazing opportunity and is leaving the country for a long while. I am so proud of him and I want him to do this, but it is obviously going to be very difficult on our relationship. It makes a lot of stuff uncertain. And as someone with anxiety, I can’t do uncertainty. So a lot of this visit has involved the tough conversations we’ve both been putting off.
This is the last day I’ll see him before he goes abroad in about three weeks. I’ll probably be kind of a mess for a little while, so please be patient with me.
But I want to end this post by saying that one thing we always returned to is that there’s something special and important and undeniable between us. That’s what makes this whole thing so hard. But it’s also what makes it so rewarding when it works out.
I know, if we make it through this, we will never take each other’s presence for granted.
Ugh.
It’s a little weird to leave for the holidays this year. In addition to having an amazing group of friends in my city, I had the realization sitting in the airport that no matter where I am, I’m always stuck missing one partner or the other.
Fuck.
I’ve discovered that when it comes to jealousy in non-monogamy, it boils down to whether or not I find the other person is too similar to me.
If I’m like oh this individual represents something so totally different than what I am, I’m really fine with it because I’m like sweet I get it you just want some variety you go for that.
But when somebody’s got too much in common with me, I start to get concerned about the idea of being replaced. One of my biggest insecurities is the whole idea that my partners are going to find somebody slightly better than me and trade up. I know, it’s absolutely ridiculous, but it’s one of the silly places my head goes.
Last summer, Sir started seeing this girl and they got super into each other very fast. I was really happy for him, but I realized this was another blonde girl with some fairly similar kinks except, oh yeah, she was down for more degradation than I was. Even though now I think she’s a lovely person, I was kind of livid and frightened at first by the whole idea of them seeing each other.
Of course, I’m in no sense “recovered,” but I’m kind of happy that I at least know what the jealousy is centered on. Being able to identify it is the first step of getting rid of it, right?