drawn

my insides enlist one thousand swarming insects…

(from a poem I wrote, found here)

So, I came out to my mother today as poly. I totally didn’t anticipate this happening like this/today/ever. But it went so, so well. She was supportive and patient.

At first, she asked some silly and infuriating questions, but eventually we were able to sort of get on the same page about the whole thing. It’s really rewarding to me to see her try to understand this and to take me on my own terms, as the person that I am.

Best part though: She’d met Pup once and I had introduced him as a friend. And when I told her today that he’s actually a partner, she went, “oh thank God. I saw him and the way he looked at you and thought you’d messed up and slept with him.”

So uh, thanks Good Guy Mom for sitting on my “illicit affair” for a few months and not saying anything?

I just noticed the tags on this (#thinkivykink in particular) and you are very, very mean.

The night before Halloween, Pup and I awkwardly scheduled me going over to his place to fuck him. The afternoon leading up to it, I was stupidly nervous. I felt like I was losing my virginity all over again – having sex with a non-primary partner without my primary partner being present. I was worried that somehow both relationships would be weirdly affected and was swilling around a thousand stupid anxieties while I got dressed and did my hair.

“Wish you could hold my hand while he fucks me,” I texted Sir, which was only half true. Part of me really wanted to go this alone. Call it an opportunity to grow and whatnot.

I ended up texting Heart while I did my makeup, going through lingerie options with her and getting playfully badgered about how late I was running. We came up with the idea of just wearing my black lace onesie, a pair of black thigh highs and a pair of black heels with just my coat on top, which ended up proving to be only semi-adequate in keeping me warm as I walked to Pup’s place.

He ended up not getting my text that I was coming over, and when I arrived he was in the middle of trying on his Halloween costume. So, yeah, I show up with my hair looking cute and in a long coat and a sexy pair of heels and then Pup is standing there in a costume. Because I cannot begin to describe to you guys that for however much you all insist my sex life is hot, it’s usually 500% awkward.

When we got to his bedroom, he gently pushed me down onto his bed and unzipped my coat. “Look at you,” he murmured against my clavicle. At that point, I was just a person-shaped cluster of butterflies and raw nerves.

That said, there isn’t much to say about the sex. That’s the thing about sex. We build up a lot around it, puff it up like cotton candy, and when you actually get down to it the real substance is just as gossamer. It was fun and good, but it didn’t change much of anything. It wasn’t revelatory. It didn’t break down my relationship with Sir. It didn’t suddenly bump up my relationship with Pup.

Except, afterwards, we ended up doing a really intense scene. Maybe I’ll tell you about that. It’s one of the darker thoughts I linger on when I’m in a certain mood.

Back in the fall, I went apple picking with Pup and some of his friends. I had met a few in passing, but I’d never sort of been out with a non-primary partner’s friends as a “date.” I was a little nervous about sort of making a bad impression as the girl their friend was dating who already has a boyfriend, and I was a little scared too of being seen by people I knew. At the time, I still wasn’t out as poly to basically anybody.

We were having a lovely time, thankfully. His friends seemed to like me and I was having fun. While we were waiting for some cider, I took hold of Pup’s hand and noticed the scar on his thumb. “That’s healing up all right,” I said.

“Oh god,” his friend said. “You’re the girl he bled on?”

I blushed and shook my head. “Yeah, I’m the girl he bled on.”

“Woah,” another said. “We all just assumed that was the end of it. How did he even bounce back from that?”

So, yeah. I guess I’ll always be the girl he bled on.

Tonight I’m going to a sexy, fun crazy party with Sir and one of his partners. Star’s also going to be there and is probably/definitely going to tie me up.

Happy New Year, tumblr. Have an amazing time tonight and stay safe!

vintagegal:

Charlotte Olympia’s Veuve Clicquot campaign (via)

nankingdecade:

Same.

Um are you saying you found something cute for us to play with when I come visit?

Trigger warning: rape, rape culture

One of the really unfortunate side-effects of this lifestyle is that there are actually sick, terrible people that can slip under the radar. I’ve had a partner in the past that did some pretty bad things by me, but I thought I had learned.

While nothing happened to me with this person, I’ve had some suspicions confirmed today to an unimaginable degree. Basically, a relationship of his that I thought was a little problematic was actually foul. He’s a person I’ve written about very sparsely on here, I hadn’t even given him a name. And today I met someone else who has played with him, and she revealed something to me about his primary relationship.

I’m horrified for having trusted this person, for even having touched them and let them touch me. I’m terrified that this person can blend in with a group and can target other people. I’m scared that we still live in a culture where his actions could be construed as “ambiguous.”

I don’t know, guys. I’m just really disgusted.

For the anon who sent the lovely “hur dur you have a giant thigh wow” message.

I can probably squat your mother.

And I can definitely crush your stupid head.

The fact that I can’t stomach milkshakes aside, Daddy sent this to me and it’s totally me and anyone who wants to argue that is gonna get pinched on the butt.

When I got to Sir’s stomping ground, we had to take a bus to his place.

On the bus, I was facing him and away from the driver and the other passengers. We were close to the back. Feeling a little brave and a little needy, I spread my legs and let my dress slip up.

Sir smirked and reached out to rub my knee. I sat back and kept flashing him the whole ride.

Ivy

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