One of my best friends at Ivy University is gay. Let’s call him Jay. (See what I did there?)

Jay’s a really amazing guy. Supportive, funny, soulful, gentle. He’s got a wide range of talents and is just too good for words. He’s stunningly attractive. I love him to bits.

Of course, he’s gay, so we don’t get involved. Right? 

Well, Jay has decided that he wants, for one time, to see what it’s like to fuck a girl. And, after watching me change once during freshman year before we went out, he’s determined that this girl in question should be me.

Only, I’m really not feeling it. I don’t really want to be his experiment. We’ve made out before during a game of Kings, but otherwise I’ve really tried to keep everything super platonic and veer away from the physical. However, sometimes Jay has his own plans. Once, after misinterpreting something I’d said as a come-on, he legitimately stood up and went to unbuckle his belt.

Woah there, partner.

So, what I’m telling you is that there’s this giant elephant in the middle of our friendship. Jay wants to fuck me. Once. And then go back to being with men.

This year, I moved to one of the older buildings on campus. There’s sort of a thing going around about cockroaches from the age and the ease with which they can enter. I’ve tried to keep things clean and make it seem as far from the Roach Motel as I can.

But, I came home last night from dance class to find this gigantic cockroach in the middle of my floor, stuck on its back, and squirming frantically. I screamed. I panicked. Tears may have been shed. After some experiences with cockroaches in the past, I have an incredibly visceral reaction to them.

I tried to pick it up myself at first, the old paper and cup method. But, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to handle it. I finally took out my cell phone and texted Jay, asking if he could do me a favor. He texted right back asking what I had in mind. I texted that there was a cockroach in my room and almost instantly he called me up, saying, “I’m on my way now. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”

Readers, this boy leaves nearly halfway across campus from me.

When he came, he embraced me, took care of the cockroach, embraced me again. And all there was in that embrace was friendship and compassion. 

I think about how many of my and my friends’ relationships with other people have been colored by sexual tension. Things don’t flow as smoothly and it’s harder to just be genuinely compassionate. Everything’s just a little bit tainted.

But I cannot describe how genuine the whole thing was. Maybe I’m over-examining it, maybe I just have a wonderful friend (with sexual tension).