So, Walter’s actually a great guy.
The three of us were having such a blast together, talking and laughing and hanging around. We suddenly reached a point where he and I were just going back and forth like this.
Me: You’re just like…a great guy.
Walter: You’re a great girl.
Me: Aw, this kid! (turns to Drew, gestures to Walter) He’s a good guy!
Walter: She’s a really good girl!
Seriously. He’s so nice, so funny, and I cannot believe we only just started getting friendly now. Whew.
Him: I just envisioned your sexuality in the role of Godzilla laying waste to Ivy University. It’s a horrific image.
Me: Wow.
I’m glad we can sit here and make jokes about my vagina.
Byron: Hey, don’t hate me, but I’m way too tired for this.
Me: Actually, I’m pretty exhausted.
Blue: Guyyyyssss.
Me: Do you all mind walking me home?
Byron: No problem.
Blue: Guyyyssss.
Byron and I: What?
Blue: Why don’t you just come sleep over?
Me: Like a slumber party?
Blue: Like a slumber party. With spooning.
Me: Thank you for making me buy that dress over Thanksgiving. I look like a sexy dinner napkin.
My friend: Insert perverted joke here about people wiping their mouths.
SG: So, what have you been up to today?
Me: Just got done stress masturbating…
SG: Wow.
Me: Don’t you judge me.
SG: I’m only judging you for not inviting me.
Me: So, I realized like 99% of the works I make are about sex.
Him: Then make the next one not about sex.
Me: But why?
Him: To make you versatile.
Me: Heyyy. I am versatile.
Him: Yeah, yeah, I know. You take it in all three holes.
Him: You’re a filthy slut.
Me: How?
Him: I’ll draw you a diagram.
Guy in my frat: Sorry I couldn’t be your date to that thing.
Me: Date? I was inviting you and a bunch of other people as friends.
Him: You’re the one who used the word date.
Me: Only I didn’t.
Him: I was joking.
Me: Sure.
Him: To the joke or to a date?
Me: Smooth.
Him: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Me: Too bad you have no game.
I think I’ve found a new hobby. This sort of back-and-forth continued for a good chunk of the evening. He once told me after some liquid confidence that he liked to dominate women. I told him he couldn’t handle me. Apparently, he took this as a challenge.
I’ll just need to brainstorm some sort of nickname for him.
SG: So, when we get married-
Me: We’re not getting married.
SG: When we get married, I’m thinking we throw one of those sexy parties like the one in Monster.
Me: Like 80% of the people at that party were dead or completely mauled to pieces.
SG: Okay, fine. We take out the trash, cut our losses, deal with the remainder.
Me: Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.
SG: So is Kanye.