Apollonia Saintclair 572 – 20150427 Les divertissements de Madame et de Monsieur sont avancés (Weapons of class distraction)
A piece from a bigger upcoming publishing commission
thinkivykink this is definitely Craftsmate’s style.
Ha. That’s him, all right.
D is for Deer illustrated by W.F. White
Sir likes to say that my fantasies revolve a lot around being the ingénue. They involve innocence, reluctance, corruption. Within the context of a “scene” or “play,” I never initiate in my ideal scenario.
Call it a way of sublimating shame, maybe. Playing the reluctant victim implies I don’t actually have to own up to enjoying the disgusting things I like. Or it might just be that the idea of not being in control of my experience is kind of hot. But part of it, certainly, is the freedom to be unaccountable and immature.
Saltine showed up almost twenty minutes late for coffee. I considered it a power play until I saw the way they came in: sweatpants, glasses on, no makeup. Saltine’s the kind of person who can carry it off, which is a quality I’ve always envied in that type of person. If I do that, I just look like I’m sick.
But I realized what was really happening here. They ordered hot chocolate while I sat there with black coffee. They spun out on tangents about other people they’d dated, about foolish choices they’d made prior with people whose age and experience they equated with credibility and safety. And I understood why Saltine had annoyed me so much: they were the ingénue.
What’s more, from the things they told me, they were me. Not me at this point. But Saltine was nineteen years old now, just the way I was right around the time I started this blog, when I was at a point where I wanted to take control of myself and my sexuality, when in the past I had kind of been just stumbling around with it, throwing myself into things.
The conversation went well. They understood that I had different standards about boundaries and said they would respect them. And though I acknowledged it was unhealthy to project it on Saltine and I shouldn’t try to protect them, I told Pup that he and Saltine could sleep at my place after the play party.
Hi tumblr.
This is your hostess apologizing for being pretty quiet for the past while. I know I’m behind on 365 photos. I know I’m behind on updating you all about my life.
Facts are, my life has been the most hectic it has ever been, for good and bad reasons. I finished up my Master’s, I have a job in the city where I completed it that I’ll be beginning soon after I return from this trip to be with Sir. Things are crazy and exciting. I’m starting to get situated in my field, and so tumblr has fallen a bit by the wayside.
However, this inactivity has also been for some crummy reasons. Basically, I’ve been putting off writing about two things that are kind of sucky. The first is the relationship Pup and I had with Saltine. The second is a rather rough spot, kind of an ultimate low, with Sir. Both have resolved themselves in different ways: Pup and I are no longer seeing Saltine, Sir and I kind of had to hit rock bottom to rebuild back to what we had.
Neither of these are particularly appealing to write about. The first feels so strange in the sense that I know this thing is over, and it colors all the stories I have to tell you. The second is buried beneath a lot of shame: I hate to admit where I’ve messed up, I hate to portray my relationship with Sir in a negative light.
So bear with me, tumblr. The stories are coming. They’re just going to take a lot out of me.
<3,
Ivy
my insides enlist one thousand swarming insects…
(from a poem I wrote, found here)
So, I came out to my mother today as poly. I totally didn’t anticipate this happening like this/today/ever. But it went so, so well. She was supportive and patient.
At first, she asked some silly and infuriating questions, but eventually we were able to sort of get on the same page about the whole thing. It’s really rewarding to me to see her try to understand this and to take me on my own terms, as the person that I am.
Best part though: She’d met Pup once and I had introduced him as a friend. And when I told her today that he’s actually a partner, she went, “oh thank God. I saw him and the way he looked at you and thought you’d messed up and slept with him.”
So uh, thanks Good Guy Mom for sitting on my “illicit affair” for a few months and not saying anything?
Back in the fall, I went apple picking with Pup and some of his friends. I had met a few in passing, but I’d never sort of been out with a non-primary partner’s friends as a “date.” I was a little nervous about sort of making a bad impression as the girl their friend was dating who already has a boyfriend, and I was a little scared too of being seen by people I knew. At the time, I still wasn’t out as poly to basically anybody.
We were having a lovely time, thankfully. His friends seemed to like me and I was having fun. While we were waiting for some cider, I took hold of Pup’s hand and noticed the scar on his thumb. “That’s healing up all right,” I said.
“Oh god,” his friend said. “You’re the girl he bled on?”
I blushed and shook my head. “Yeah, I’m the girl he bled on.”
“Woah,” another said. “We all just assumed that was the end of it. How did he even bounce back from that?”
So, yeah. I guess I’ll always be the girl he bled on.
“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern.” – Frank O’Hara, Meditations in an Emergency.
Late birthday present for thinkivykink
Fun note: I told Wolf that I was doing a knifeplay themed drawing “For a tumblr friend” and he immediately knew who it was.
Happy birthday Ivy~
Oh my gosh, this is amazing!!
Tonight I’m going to a sexy, fun crazy party with Sir and one of his partners. Star’s also going to be there and is probably/definitely going to tie me up.
Happy New Year, tumblr. Have an amazing time tonight and stay safe!
Charlotte Olympia’s Veuve Clicquot campaign (via)
Fact: Bunnies are some of the best friends a deer can find.
