“We formed a new religion
No sins as long as there’s permission
And deception is the only felony
So never fuck nobody without telling me
Sunglasses and Advil, last night was mad real
Sun coming up, 5 a.m., I wonder if they got cabs still?
Thinking ‘bout the girl in all leopard
Who was rubbing the wood like Kiki Shepherd
Two tattoos one read "No Apologies”
The other said “Love is Cursed by Monogamy”
It’s something that the pastor don’t preach
It’s something that a teacher can’t teach
When we die the money we can’t keep
But we probably spend it all cause the pain ain’t cheap, preach.“

– Kanye West, No Church in the Wild.

SG and I had our talk about the whole girlfriend debacle.

I told him, plain and simple, that I didn’t want any drama. No crying girlfriends, no misunderstandings, no discomfort. Or, at least, minimal discomfort. Also, I didn’t want my own interests to be completely swept under the carpet.

His reply was simple: “You weren’t even in question throughout this whole thing. We’re going to stay the same.”

I sure hope so.

But, for now, I’m relieved. I’m glad I spoke my mind and I’m glad to be able to express myself in terms of what I want.

In celebration – and due to prior plans – I went out with the girls. And it was grand.

Sometimes, I just get really doubtful about this whole polyamory thing working out for me. Sure, I know it’s a natural inclination I have. It may trace back to a problem that I even had as a child where I wanted to love everyone and, in return, I wanted everyone to love me. Not necessarily romantically. But, there are moments where I feel like I am getting nothing from it or where I just get all wrapped up in issues that I can’t even see the good about it sometimes.

Part of it is that I have no primary and I sometimes feel a bit strained and challenged by the presence of other people’s primaries. It’s not really a jealousy thing. It’s partially that I get intimidated and partially that I see, constantly, how boundaries aren’t actually as defined as people imagine them to be.

SG got back with his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re monogamous save for messing around with me. I don’t know what that means. He said “we’ll talk about it” later. Frankly, the whole idea of that just gives me a stomachache. I don’t like the fact that my involvement with him is deeply dependent on her involvement with him. I know, I know, primaries, terms, etc. I don’t know what I want, but, for some reason, I’m vaguely upset by this whole turnover. I don’t think she’s right for him, I don’t like the position this all puts me in, all that jazz.

My relationship with her, as far as I am concerned, has returned to purely the friend level. There were a few glaring issues, but one was simply her expectation that I be available for her when she needed consolation without the necessity of reciprocity. When I reached out to her while I was having a hard time, she instead decided to go out – alone – to our frat to find some people to party with. She apologized, but really showed no signs of even vaguely changing.

Remember my whole thing about the Giving Tree complex I have? I felt it hardcore. I’ve recently started seeing someone to talk out a lot of these feelings and sort through my lifestyle and he pointed out the same exact thing: I just give a lot of myself and I am terrified that I will somehow inconvenience and upset the other person by demanding reciprocity and articulating my needs.

For as assertive I am, I seem to have a hard time articulating my expectations. Or, for that matter, even knowing what they are.

I hate the expression “we were goofing around and then we started hooking up”. I think it’s stupid. I don’t get how it works. I can’t imagine that you just sort of fall on someone and start making out with them.

But, um, that’s exactly what happened last night.

I was over at her room. I know, I know, I know. I said I wasn’t going to do anything with her. (Forgive me, tumblr, for I have sinned.) But she had clearly defined the lines of non-monogamy with her guy and they had both explored some other stuff with no negative repercussions. This changed the climate immensely.

Anyway, we were kind of goofing around on her bed. I know this was baiting it, but I was lying there and thrusting and faking sex noises when she told me that she was concerned about her neighbors being able to hear her through the wall. She climbed on top of me to shut me up. I rolled over back on top of her. We kind of started making out. You know how it works.

We keep this up for a while. Kissing, touching, giggling. It’s light and sweet and fun.

So how did this wind up in probably one of the most intense spankings I’ve gotten in a while?

I’ll get to that, I promise.

The Southern Gentleman has a ton of ladies at his beck and call. I’ve really got to hand it to his girlfriend, she must put a lot of trust in him. Even as someone not involved with him, I admit I can get a bit uncomfortable (well, more confused on the who’s who) when he discusses his escapades with me.

But, I’ve really got to hand it to him, he seems to have a lot of love and respect for all of them. Well, I wouldn’t say love so much as appreciation. He’s not really in the business of “slaying biddies”. So, yeah, props to him.

coffinvarnish:

The Tattoo Artist

Norman Rockwell

1944

This movie. It is like porn to me.

A conversation over dinner (or, Ivy can’t whistle)

Girl in my frat: …I just think that a relationship involving more than one person is wrong.
Me: You mean adultery? Or polyamory?
Girl in my frat: Is there really a difference?
Me: Well, one implies the betrayal of the confines of a relationship by involving some other party. One implies the understanding that the confines of a relationship can involve some other party.
Girl in my frat: I just think it’s wrong.
Me: So don’t do it.
Girl in my frat: I don’t think anyone else should do it, either.
Me: Why? It’s not affecting you.
Girl in my frat: Neither do murders or robberies in other countries. But I don’t think they should happen.
Me: You can’t equate polyamory to murder!
Girl in my frat: Why not? Both are wrong at the root of the matter.
Me: How is polyamory wrong?
Girl in my frat: Because it’s cheating.
Me: It’s not cheating if both parties are consenting and enjoying it.
Girl in my frat: That’s impossible.
Me: Why?
Girl in my frat: You can’t love more than one person.
Me: Says who?
Girl in my frat: It’s just impossible. That’s a lot to do. It’s enough to love one person. I can’t imagine myself loving more than one person.
Me: Some people can. And do.
Girl in my frat: I couldn’t do it.
Me: So therefore other people can’t do it either?
Girl in my frat: I just don’t think it’s possible if I can’t do it.
Me: I can’t whistle. Does that mean everyone else in the world can’t whistle?
Girl in my frat: It’s just wrong!
Me: Why?
Girl in my frat: Until I see someone I know intimately whose personality I understand do it, I just don’t think it’s possible. Or right.
Me: (smacks forehead, gets back to eating food after seeing argument is fruitless)