Mr. Craftsmate,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such difficulty house-breaking little Ivy. I’ve never had a new pet myself, but I understand that this is likely a very trying situation for you, especially since she’s at an age where she should have been properly trained some time ago. Hang in there though, persevere, and I’m sure you’ll have a pet to be proud of in little time.
Fortunately, in this internet age, there is a wealth of training advice available. For example, I found this schedule that may help you organize Ivy’s day so that she can most easily adapt to her new routine. I’m sure she will enjoy having so much free time.
Otherwise, if she continues to be a difficult learner (puppies are like people, in that some of them are slow to adapt, or perhaps are entirely affable, but just not that bright) you might consider one of these things:
Apparently they can be dangerous if worn around the neck, but I would bet that a creative mind such as yours could devise some means of securing it around one of her hind legs, and keeping it from sliding down. This could aid in consistency of training as you would be able to correct unacceptable behaviour just about anywhere.
Finally, it may be worth purchasing a supply of these:
as even the best trained pets sometimes have accidents when they get too excited in a new environment. I’m sure Ivy will appreciate the gesture, as not only will they protect her from the shame of making a mess in Mr. Penthouse’s living room, her bare bum will have at least a little cushion on the hard floor.
Wishing you patience in this difficult task. Please do us the courtesy of frequent updates, as I know there are many of who would be all too happy to offer congratulatory words as Ivy reaches new milestones in her training. Good Luck!