soul-baring

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So, here’s the deal with this infamous ex-boyfriend who I still talk to and who I mention directly and indirectly (he picks up on these, too) a lot so far in my tumblr’s small life:

He does not go to school with me. He does not live terribly close to where I go to school, though he does live fairly near where I live “at home”. He and I are not in the same place in our lives at the moment and it feels like, while the connection between us is so obvious, the rest of the world doesn’t fall together around us quite as neatly.

Simply put: We were absolutely the right people at absolutely the wrong time.

And that’s what seriously, seriously kills me. Because it’s hard to call a “relationship” quits when we’re both very, very deeply in love with each other, when we have something incredibly special, when we understand each other on a level that neither has experienced before, and when we cannot imagine our lives without the other present in some form.

So, we still mess around. We still talk. We still play. We still confide in each other. We still joke. We are still the same, basically, but without the pressures of a “normal” sort of “relationship”. This both comforts me and upsets me. This whole thing is relatively new, with us “breaking up” fairly recently, and we’re both sort of getting a feel for this different level of our “relationship”.

We miss each other, we love each other, and we absolutely want the best for each other. And, right now, the pressures of maintaining a serious relationship are just making us stressed out.

The quote chosen by the amazing sheslostcontrol-again to caption this photo is so, so real to me right now. I love Bukowski.

sheslostcontrol-again:

“The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable.”
— Charles Bukowski

wanderer-of-dark-dreams: astralis: pinkprincess17:masochisticbeauty:

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Pride has been such a hinderance for me, too. When I’ve had terms like “puppy” and “little girl” used during scenarios, my initial response was one of defensiveness, frustration, and, most importantly, fear. It’s very easy and simultaneously incredibly difficult to live in denial of a desire to be degraded and humiliated. What was probably the strongest feeling associated with terms like those and treatment like what is depicted in the picture is not a fear of discovery, but rather a fear of admitting to myself that I love being dragged down from the standard of respect that I hold myself to and expect others to hold me to, as well.

However, letting go of that has produced some of the most beautiful feelings of trust and understanding imaginable. It’s usually a slow process to get there, but once I’m there, I’m sold. 

masterandslave:

My pride so often stopped me from embracing who I am and all I share with Master. My pride stopped me from being the animal I am, from the humiliation I crave, from the obedience I desire. 

I am letting go of so much pride in exchange for happiness. ~His

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Before me, my last boyfriend wasn’t terribly taken with bdsm. It wasn’t that he was turned off by it, it was just that he didn’t understand much beyond the stuff he saw in pop-ups or the movies. He didn’t understand the root of it, he just understood how it manifested itself.

When we met, I was shocked at how open he was to everything. Not even just sexual stuff, but the stuff that came first. He was so candid, so amazingly transparent that it was hard not to feel comfortable around him. And I think that was what made me so uncomfortable at first. I didn’t want to just give myself away to someone so quickly. When I trusted, I trusted completely. When I fell, I fell hard.

He was pretty quick to comment on how “closed” I was. Probably about the third thing he said to me was in reference to how he thought I had a wall up. I tried to explain, but he didn’t get it. I said, “I’ve been hurt.” And he says, “well, everyone’s been hurt.” And I said, “I trust people pretty heavily.” And he replied, “well, so does everyone else.”

It wasn’t until the first time he dominated me, about six months after we met, that he saw what I meant. I went along with everything he tried as he explored this new role I’d given him. He saw how fragile I could be, how trusting I could get, and how hurt I could be made. My last relationship with a man before him had ended because we couldn’t transition from dom and sub into something else. The emotions didn’t match the desire and the transition out of the relationship was terribly difficult for me.

I was afraid to give someone that much of myself again and yet, for some reason, I gave this new guy an inch. Which turned into a mile and then a whole roadtrip of a wonderful, fulfilling relationship which is now a beautiful friendship. But I didn’t know that when I first let him dominate me. I assumed I could create an emotional disconnect like I could with just hooking up, but I couldn’t. I was already giving the inch, the mile, maybe even some of the trip.

When we finished, I was curled up on the floor, clinging to his leg like a buoy post-shipwreck. I wanted to tell him what this all meant to me, how much I’d given, what he’d signed onto, but before I could even find the words, he looked down and said to me, “I get it now.”