She said I was only into “fancy” submission. 

I asked her what she meant.

She said I was only up for very formal orders, very defined boundaries, very cut and dry notions of “good” and “bad” during play.

I weighed what she said. It was true. Sudden, harsh punishment tended to upset me. Punishment that I didn’t enjoy upset me. I misbehaved solely to provoke the reaction that I thought was characteristic of the dynamic I was exploring. It irritated her. It irritated me that it irritated her.

My initial exposure to the lifestyle was with a partner who was terribly lenient and who did not completely desire to explore the numerous implications of submission. It was all, for a lack of better words, a very porny sort of submission. My punishments were almost as pleasurable as my rewards. There was no growth, no true submission, no change. 

I still have an attachment to the sort of “fancy” submission she talked about. The very “refined” sort of playing with no larger implications. The idea of stripping oneself down very briefly for play and for quickly restoring oneself without any sort of modification or understanding of the dynamic. 

And, yes, while I find “fancy” submission to be within my comfort zone, it’s the other kind that I find to be truly rewarding.