I got together with an ex the other night as friends. At first, the entire get-together seemed just fine. We shared some laughs, we caught each other up, we really just enjoyed each other’s company on a purely platonic level. We got high and I was seriously feeling great until I realized that there seemed to be an expectation for something physical lingering in the air. And it was terribly uncomfortable.

In the past, I’ve created a lot of problems for myself in blurring the lines between friend and something else. I had made a pact with myself to really exercise more caution when getting to that level with friends and to, unless the case was very promising, keep things platonic. 

Not to mention this person is my ex. I was really, really hurt on repeated occasions and I really fought to try to keep interaction peaceful and platonic, both of which were made nearly impossible for me by the other party. This situation is just one of many. And then it’s almost always turned back to me and made to feel like my fault.

This time, I rejected the advances and I was almost automatically shut out. Not physically, but certainly on every other level. Things got terribly uncomfortable. I kept asking if I should leave and got defensive responses each time. I was dropped off at my house soon after in near-complete silence. I felt awful.

I’m proud of myself for the decision I made and the restraint I exercised. But, by the same token, I realize how easy the other choice could have been and how much instant gratification I could get out of it. But, I am really trying to change the ways I make choices about certain people and situations, however difficult it proves to be.