Dear Woman with the Sexy Sleeve,

Clearly this entire dispute could have been avoided if your bottom bitch had asked nicely before taking one of your cupcakes. I can see it missing from the container. I can also see the messy girl left a little bit of frosting on the table.

I imagine you’re probably browsing the market now for a new slut. I have some wonderful references who can confirm that a) I won’t steal your cupcakes and b) I won’t make a mess. This is mostly because I will be eating said cupcakes off of you, provided you grant me permission.

As a bonus, I also am classy enough to avoid making the cupcake-muffin-vagina joke that’s begging to be made from that. But, yes, I’ll eat your muffin, too.

Thank you for your time and attention. You’ll find my resumé and references attached.

Sincerely,

Ivy

swaybound:

I have always liked that particular gesture. Bend her over and grab her cunt — “Mine!”.