She touches to remember. Where she had been grabbed, where fingers caressed, where knuckles turned white around hair. She explores herself like a cartographer, mapping out experiences it her mind to recall the topography of evenings past. Most of the time, it’s roughly to scale. Others, she just can’t seem to replicate exactly what had been done. But no map is ever completely accurate, it’s only an interpretation of the lay of the land.
touch
Okay. So. Let me get this straight.
I’m supposed to function like a normal human being.
But there are pictures like this to keep me distracted.
Life is so unfair. Just look at how he’s holding her. His hand overwhelms her face.
“Great Babylon was naked, oh she stood there trembling for me,
and Bethlehem inflamed us both
like the shy one at some orgy.
And when we fell together all our flesh was like a veil
that I had to draw aside to see
the serpent eat its tail."
“O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.”
– W. H. Auden, “As I Walked Out One Evening”.
Sometimes, sweetness is control. There’s a condescension to it at times. Others, it just stresses the levels of authority. There’s a right and a power that comes with being in the position to treat someone sweetly in such a way. It’s to say that you can clear away the clouds with the same power with which you can bring the storm.
There’s a lot I write on here that has to do with people discovering each other in different ways. And, discovery is a huge part of relationships and sexuality. It’s definitely a valid thing.
But self-discovery is really equally important. And while a lot of people reading a sex blog are usually a little busy discovering themselves already (winknudge), there’s real validity to the fact that getting to know yourself is a really important part of sexuality.
You need to know what you like. You need to know where your limits are. And a really safe way to figure that out is on yourself. Because then it’s between you and your hands. And that’s an incredibly safe space.
Sometimes, when he pulls her hair, he isn’t violent about it.
It’s a reminder.
It says, “I’m here.”
He doesn’t even need to do much.
She’ll just grind his hand and then thank him like a sweet girl should.
Because he’s taught her to be grateful.
Being undressed by someone else can be an incredibly sobering experience. Especially when they go excruciatingly slow, in which case you’re forced to adjust to their pace and accept the fact that you cannot simply raise your hands and throw your shirt off. The ball’s in their court, so to speak, the game’s in their hands.
“We sat in the car
& the night dropped
down until the
only sounds were
the crickets &
the dance of our voices
& for a moment
the world became
small enough to
roll back & forth
between us.”
– Brian Andreas, Hearing Voices.