reflection

In retrospect, this year has been a great one.

I received some awesome news and then some more.

I definitely grew a pair. I had the balls to get it on in public. The balls to put up my first selfie. And then was even a little braver.

Which led to some awesome firsts. Some were blushy firsts. Some were chilly firsts. There were first abductions and first ballgags. And there was one first that was really Pretty. With a capital P.

And you all were more than encouraging. I had erotica written about me. For real. I hit 1000 posts. Awesomely. And then I hit my one-year anniversary on this time-suck of a website. And I quickly realized how kind my followers were from tons of messages like that one.

In the midst of all that, I got discovered by a classmate which gave me a wee bitty identity crisis. Who flogged me for the first time and turned out to be an okay guy. And took me to my first minimunch. Where I got tied up with rope and hit with a riding crop for the first time. And where I learned that sometimes things do work out well. Like that a tough night and a weird little power dynamic can set the foundation for something unexpected by telling baseball to go fuck itself and breaking some rules.

Then I paid a little visit to Penthouse Land. Where worlds collided. And where there were more firsts. Like zippers. And fo shiz interrogations. And wearing a collar that I actually liked. And having words (gently) carved into my skin. And where I realized that you never know how important someone is going to become to you. Or how mean. But in the best (and blushiest) way possible.

And I learned that you can take an awkward situation and turn it into a friendship. For real. Or take an even more awkward situation and turn it into a (kind of) threesome. But, most of all, I learned that sometimes I need to take care of myself.

So maybe I caught pneumonia and encountered a wee bit of heartbreak (okay maybe a lot of heartbreak) but I learned some lessons. Especially to start standing up for myself. Which led me to leaving a job that made me miserable. (Even if it was two months after I realized that.) And not going on a second date with a real doozy.

And maybe I didn’t get my orgy when I turned 22. But some gifts are greater than that.

But this was the year I decided to be less ashamed and more flexible. And that’s what’s most important.

So, let’s see what you have in store, 2013.

I like the moment where hair becomes a liability. Where it sticks to foreheads and temples, where it slides and clings between fingers. I like the fact that somehow we want to get barer, to shed just another hindrance until it is us at our most basic and needy.

I like the shoving of limbs that comes with that. The folding them up and the stretching them wide. Suddenly, even the most essential things have suddenly become dispensable, excessive. At one point, they were the very things we caressed, lingered on, drew from them painstaking and labored admissions of desire. And, now, like our clothes, we attempt to toss them aside.

It’s interesting to me that for how extensive foreplay and physical upkeep can be, for how much we know prolonging and lingering enhances this, our bodies creep toward a singleminded desire, removing the excess and diving forth into the necessary.

This tends to be how I remember my more drawn-out forays into really intense sessions. Everything comes in flashes. Moving snapshots. Fade in. Fade out. Fade in. Fade out. Often it’s out of order. Often it’s incoherent. When I try to go over it and move things around, I can’t always quite pinpoint the order.

But what remains is the effect. And while the memory comes fractured, the feelings are fluid. And that’s really all that counts, isn’t it?

Ivy

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reflection