I’ve been told I can be a bit tough to break down. I’m never really actively aware that I’m putting up a wall or being in any way cold, but apparently I can come off that way a lot. When I was younger, I got told a ton that I was “intimidating”. I’ve walked away from encounters and realized that I may or may not have taken a few steps to nearly castrate some poor guy. It’s a big oops.
I guess I’ve never really been that great at just being gentle. I’m told I come off as aloof or disinterested. Sometimes even a little harsh or biting when I try to make a joke. But, for all the obsequiousness that’s otherwise in my nature, I apparently don’t “serve” very well in the world of normal flirtation. In fact, I come off as incredibly dominant in either my way of taking control of a situation or my way of somehow coming across as distant.
There’s a lot of people who get intrigued by that. Some for good reasons, some for some pretty crappy ones. But, either way, I find it fascinating and hindering that I just can’t seem to be quite as vulnerable as I am when I submit. This is probably a hugely good thing, but the fact that I can’t even get myself to muster up a small fraction of that vulnerability isn’t always appealing.
I’d like to pretend I’m saving the best for last. But, something tells me that underneath a lot of the bravado I’ve got, I might still just be a little scared.