Yikes yikes. Don’t use fetlife. Folks on fetlife are like the birds in Finding Nemo. Gross.

As far as okcupid, my tips are as follows:
1. Answer questions related to nonmonogamy/kink on there. That way, you are only getting a match percentage based on that. You can talk out whether or not you’re personally compatible later, but using questions allows you to filter out people who otherwise don’t respect or don’t understand poly. So skip the ones about whether or not you like butter or margarine and stick to the ones about whether or not you like flogging.
2. Be honest on your profile. Okcupid now allows you to list yourself as non-monogamous and as in an open relationship. Let people know off the bat.
3. Have your partner make a profile as well and link to the profile on yours. That way, if you and your partner are looking for other individuals or couples to play with in addition to your respective interests, people can go between the two of you rather easily.
4. Okcupid is not 100% secure. Don’t put stuff up there that you would be alarmed if a friend or neighbor found.
5. If the person doesn’t match you in terms of openness, don’t go down that road. I typically avoid profiles with little to no information, very few questions answered and no photos. Some people prefer to share photos outside of their profile. Regardless, know what the person looks like before you agree to meet them.
6. If you meet someone, have an escape route. You should have somebody who knows where you are going, what the person’s info is (okcupid username, photo, phone number) and when you should approximately be done. Agree to check in with that person at a certain time to ensure you are safe. Agree to meet in person with that person after your date for added security.
7. Don’t get in anybody’s car on a first date.
8. I usually avoid straight, single men because they usually think they can take me away from my boyfriend or do not understand what poly is. But that’s just my preference.
9. Keep in mind that okcupid is disproportionately male. If you’re looking for it, great. But know women are few and far between there.
10. If someone outside of your demographic (you are allowed to specify age and gender identity of people you want to see) without acknowledging it, don’t talk to them. For instance, my profile says I’m into “men” and “women” (and obviously anything in between but okcupid gets weird about anything non-binary or queer) between the ages of 21 and 35. When a 55 year old man messages me without mentioning “I know I’m older than your profile states, etc etc, but I messaged you because…”, it demonstrates to me that he just looked at my picture and ignored what I had to say. You don’t have time for people who don’t have time to look at what interests you or makes you comfortable.
11. And on that note, if anyone makes you uncomfortable, don’t give them the time of day. They don’t deserve your attention.