Honestly, I think they are completely, completely separate. The problem lies in the fact that there are people who lack the ability to be able take apart the self in a sexual situation and the self that we as people have formed. Personally, I do not feel as if I am one of those types.

My self-worth and self-love are in no way dependent on my sexual play. If anything, my sexual play is dependent upon my self-worth and self-love. If I didn’t have a sense of these, I would certainly not be comfortable in engaging in practices such as dehumanization. I can step away from the process and say, “well, that was interesting, but I am a strong, capable, intelligent woman who is in control of her life and her choices”. Simply put, I choose to be dehumanized. Also, I have a safeword if I want to “turn it off”, something that many people use as evidence to say that the submissive actually has more control than the dominant.

Yes, I have pulled out the safeword before when the situation got too intense. This happened with multiple partners and each one respected its use. This is something that is forged over time when I grow to really trust my partner.

Moreover, I have the degree of self-esteem that I can carry out these practices without letting them affect me on a deeper level. I understand who I am as a person, strengths and weaknesses. 

Do I gravitate towards partners who dehumanize me? God, no. I am not going to start going out with a guy or a girl if the first thing he or she says to me is, “hi, bitch.” Dehumanization is an act of trust that is built up to. It is not a deciding factor in a relationship and it is not something I “seek out”. There’s a huge difference between being dehumanized in a consensual sexual scenario and being dehumanized in public, nonconsensual situations that lack trust (this can also be referred to as sexual harassment and sometimes rape). 

I have been fortunate enough to have partners who are generally into it or are not unwilling to try it. Once again, it’s not the first thing I do. It literally takes months and months of trust and getting to know each other and talking through everything to allow someone to do that to me. I wouldn’t pick up a guy or girl at a bar, bring them back to my dorm, and have them dehumanize me. 

While I don’t seek out the “dehumanizing” type, whatever that might mean, I tend to seek out people with dominant and powerful characteristics. This is probably because I consider myself a pretty “dominant” and powerful woman outside of BDSM scenarios and I expect my partners to have the same sense of self-worth, the same amount of confidence, the same degree of control over their lives. The fact that they are dominant in the bedroom is maybe a side effect, maybe even incidental. 

In all, I guess what I’m trying to communicate here is that dehumanization, and even more “normal” BDSM practices, are not the kind of thing you base a partner off of and are certainly not a thing you do upon meeting someone. BDSM is a practice, for me, built upon trust and is a manifestation of the epitomizing of this trust. 

I hope I’ve answered your question.

<3, Ivy