I had a weird thought tonight that I’m trying to work out. It’s like this: I’m not a sadist, not really. I like control during sex, both self-control and control of you, but I don’t have the instinctive, immediate urge to express that through pain. When I do try it, I am usually overcome with concern that I’m doing it wrong, or overdoing it, or will cause actual injury due to inexperience or misjudgment.

Yet I like to watch women being hurt, in certain ways, to some degree. It gets me off. I’ve always tried to reconcile that as “some things are just more fun in imagination,” which is true, but isn’t quite it.

My current hypothesis is that part of my brain wants the fantasy, the novelty, the variety of the tumblr pornstream of faces and bodies.

And another part, almost as strongly, wants to punish them for not being you.