personal

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Personal post about the dry spell I’m going through below the cut ~

So, I have loooong dry spells, which I define as long periods of time without being physically turned on by anything. And tbh, I fee like the longer the dry spell the more disgruntled and dissatisfied and bored I get. And it’s an issue with me, not with the people around me or the images I’m viewing or anything.

I’m asexual, in the sense that I don’t feel sexual attraction towards other people and am fully repulsed and a bit terrified by the idea of having sex. But I do still experience situational sexual arousal, and have zero qualms with masturbating. When I do feel turned on, it is so intense, especially when it’s in a D/s kind of setting, and I love it. It’s a feeling that’s unmatched by most things. Sometimes, I will go for a while where I get turned on really frequently. Everything seems like an innuendo to me and I’m okay with that. I’ve had periods where I’m inexplicably horny constantly for days at a time, and it’s phenomenal, even if incredibly distracting.

The problem is, I either become desensitized to it after a certain amount of time, or I lose whatever it is that makes me able to get turned on, or I overthink it, or I get scared that people will think I want to have sex with them… I don’t know the reason, just that it just doesn’t happen anymore. When I try to look at porn that would otherwise have me hot and bothered, it does nothing for me. When I masturbate, it is exceedingly disappointing and far too long of a process for it to be worth it. And I want it to be different… But it just isn’t.

I may be asexual, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated when I have a dry spell. This time last year I was participating in Denial December, but it didn’t even cross my mind to try, because I haven’t even had in interest in orgasms anyways.

I doubt anyone does, but if you have any experience in this area, tips would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, thanks for listening. I’ll try to get back on my porn game soon.

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This is frustrating. I really need some kind of arousal right now… Be it intellectual arousal, or sexual arousal, or even just feeling mildly interested in anything, at this point. I’m reblogging porn, but I haven’t been turned on by anything for well over a month, even though I want to be and really am trying. I don’t know how to fix it…

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Part of me really wants to broadcast my turn-ons to everyone I know. Or at least the people I’m interested in/ close to. Because the basic formula of flirting really doesn’t work with me, and things that normally turn people on don’t really do it for me. I’m into being restrained and psychologically teased and tormented until I’m no longer capable of feeling self-conscious because I’m so deep in sub-space. I don’t like light, feathery touches so much as feeling a lot of pressure on certain points on my body, or being restrained and tickled. I respond about a million times better to teasing than actual physical stimulation for the most part, and I’ll get turned off if there’s too much touching before my mind is totally melted.

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Ways to maybe make me invested in you:
Be dominant and fun
Tease me a lot
Be interested in other people
Show me your vulnerabilities
(in a totally nonchalant way)
Don’t give me too much attention
Once I come to you, give me lots of attention
While still being dominant
Maybe
Ugh

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Fuck : so, on my other blog (my “primary”, even though I have far more followers on this one), I basically share a lot of things relating to my deepest thoughts and my personal life, and a lot of things that I do not share with people in real life. I have two friends that I gave explicit permission to to follow me. Them, I am totally okay with. All of the people that follow me because they found me on tumblr and like my blog, I am more than okay with. But one thing I don’t care for is people following me specifically because they know me in real life.

Maybe it seems silly, but my blog is really private to me, and I actually much prefer to keep it away from most people I know in real life, unless I know that they’ll be okay with tumblr me and just let me do my thing, and I won’t have any reason to post anything that would be offensive to them. My friend Ben just followed me, though, solely because he knows me irl. I know for a fact he probably won’t agree with lots of the things I post, and he’s already teased me for basically taking up all of his dash. But I don’t cater my blog to specific people. If you don’t like what I post or how much I post, unfollow me. Tumblr was a place to get away from the social pressure of people that actually know me and to be able to truly 100% be myself to people who really appreciate who that is.

I’m just going to try not to change the way I post because of him, I guess. Except this is normally the kind of thing I would post on that blog, and I don’t feel like I can now. So it’s already compromised. It’s just frustrating.

And he had asked me out once, and I had posted about it a little while back, and how I was frustrated with good friends always falling for me, so I had to find that post and delete it so an awkward situation wouldn’t come up… Plus, I post a lot about my ace(flux)/aromantic self-discoverings, and I feel like I’ve been outed to someone I didn’t exactly want to be outed to, now. But whatever <.< I’ll manage, and it’s probably not actually a big deal. Might even turn out to be a good thing. I just had to vent to someone, and I couldn’t post about this on my main. Done ranting now!

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Oh my fuck.

I haven’t done any kind of orgasm denial recently at all. Since December really. But I’ve been feeling really turned on today, more than I have in quite a long time. I want to play but I’ve been putting it off and looking at tumblr while working, instead.

So I just took a quick break and decided I was going to hump my sheets fifteen times. No more, no less… Usually that’s not enough to do much, but, well… I repeat, oh. my. fuck.

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I’m kinda weird… Because I’m really hella gray-asexual, in that I don’t feel sexually attracted to literally anyone (except for one person, ever), but as is evident by my blog, I get incredibly turned on by sexual acts and ideas. Sexual concepts like orgasm control are so hot to me. And bondage is so incredibly alluring.

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Huh… I found a thing I wrote a while back about my Dominant friend, and I was about to throw the piece of paper away because I’m moving, but I thought I’d share with you guys.

“I want you to fuck me and fuck me hard. I want you to chain me up and torture me until I’m losing it and then just fuck me roughly and passionately, until neither of us can move or think. I want you to call me a dirty little slut, a whore, a fucking worthless cunt, and then I want us to prove neither of us really believes it. I want you to be rough and seductive and forceful all at once.”

Kinda forgot about that and had it stashed away in a drawer. I don’t have those thoughts, much less write them down, often, and that came from a truly desperate moment. Hope you enjoy!

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Why is it that all I want right now is love and attention and cuddles but when people try to get close to me I push them away, I just feel so sad and broken tonight and I know I’m not but feelings are feelings and sometimes feelings do what they want