Let me tell you about the moment I realized I had a crush. On the person that has changed my life more than he knows. It was my senior year of high school. I’m thinking it must have been January or February of 2011. I got off the bus, and instead of walking around the side of the school to the rear entrance of the band room, like I sometimes did, I went in through the entrance closest to the bus loop and pushed my way through the halls. It was cold outside. He and I always met in the band room, every morning, like clockwork. But that morning, he was going to the office to get his parking permit. He had just gotten his driver’s license.Ā It was a totally normal morning, nothing unusual or extraordinary was going on. I was walking towards the band room across campus, trumpet case in hand, still a little foggy from getting up at 5:30. When I saw him walking towards me through the students, it was just another ordinary moment, for everyone else in that hallway. But it was unexpected. Our eyes met, and in that moment, I melted. My heart stopped briefly and my stomach twisted, and his eyes were the the most important things in the universe, and as we passed each other and said hi, I smiled, and I didn’t stop smiling. For a long time, I didn’t stop smiling. It was electric, and it never ceases to amaze me. Because it wasn’t a crazy, dramatic, romantic moment. There were a lot of experiences that, by all logic, should be so much more profound. But that morning was important. Maybe not to anyone else, but to me. It laid the foundation of most of the crazy, exciting, dramatic, tragic, and romantic moments I’ve had in my life since. I would likely be somewhere completely different in life and as a person were it not for him, and that utterly blows me away. One look we shared in a crowded high school hallway was pivotal to my life and who I would eventually become. I had no idea.
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More than anything right now I just want someone I can be comfortable around and close to and that will give me attention, and for once in my life not pull away from that person. There’s only one human being I’ve ever felt that way with and he’s just not an option at the moment. š I want to cuddle and maybe kiss and play around a little, and feel protected and safe and not so alone.
I’m going to do what I need to do to make things right. I know words don’t mean much at this point, but I’m going into action. I’m doing the best I can, the fastest that I can.
I realized this morning that nowhere on my profile did I list my age. Ā I’m 21 years old, for the record, and for anyone wondering! It’s in my “about me”, now, so anyone that checks out my profile will know.
Back onĀ the subject of Denial December…
I am feeling so much calmer and more relaxed today. And I don’t know whether to love it or hate it. I really love feeling completely crazed like I was most of yesterday. But it’s kind of nice having a break from desperately wanting to cum. I’m sure it won’t last long…
Personal Ramblings
StandardOff the subject of Denial December for a moment.
I have a friend that I’ve always had a hard time just viewing as a friend. I have managed it… I’ve viewed him as my best friend, I’ve viewed him as a brother, I’ve viewed him as the love of my life, I’ve viewed him as the one person I can get angry with… But my favorite thing he ever was to me was my Dominant friend. Basically friends with D/s Benefits. I never told him I liked being slapped around and pinned down and whatnot but I know he knew. The sadistic look in his eyes and darkness in his voice told made it pretty clear.
This friend and I are currently not on the best of terms, which is breaking my heart. He’s that one person, for me, that comes into your life and totally, completely changes everything, breaks all the rules, and changes your entire outlook on life, mostly for the better. Now we aren’t speaking. But I was being silly and childish, because I couldn’t see why until I confronted him and he spelled it out for me. I regained a lot of respect for him because he was willing to spell it out for me, but I’m amazed, now, that I needed that.
ForĀ two years, and to an even greater extent this summer,Ā he has been helping me, trying to push me to get away from my parents. It’s not that they’re mean or abusive. But I haveĀ never beenĀ encouraged to grow up, to move out, to be an adult by my parents. Ā They are, in their own way, very controlling, and I’ve always conformed a little too much in order to keep the peace. This friend and my sister-in-law are the only people that have really encouraged that I get another job, move out, and learn how to adult. I, being the little shit that I am, kept resisting change because it didn’t feel like the right time.
Well, it feels like the right time now. ItĀ is the right time now. I’m sick of pretending I believe everything my parents do, and I’m sick of sneaking around or lying about things they don’t approve of. Stupid things, like hanging out alone with a guy, or dressing up for Halloween. And I guess my friend is sick of it too. I want to be mad at him, but honestly, he’s been dealing with hearing about it for two years, and trying to help me get out of a rut, and dealing with me slipping right back into being comfortable where I was every time I started to make progress. He made it clear that he’s tired of hearing about my parents and I have to grow up before we can be “okay”
I probably shouldn’t think of that as another Dominant thing he’s doing, but honestly, that and the prospect of getting our friendship back are big motivators for me pushing to make progress. I’m making sure I don’t miss the point that it also needs to be for me before anyone else. But the truth is, he is one of the most important people in my life, and right now, I really miss him. I miss him being my friend, I miss him smacking my face and calling me slut in greeting, I miss his absolute unpredictability and spontaneity, I miss his depressed side that doesn’t really want to do anything, I miss him looking at me like a predator, backing me against the bed, pinning me on it, and tickling me just to prove that he still could.
So, yes, sir. I will grow up. I will take action and I will show progress. I know apologies don’t mean a lot anymore, because I apologized too much when I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. I messed up bad, and you’re right, it is time for me to be an adult. I’m deeply sorry I didn’t realize what the issue was sooner. Thank you for finally being straight-forward with it about me. I refuse to fall back into complacency!