Tomorrow marks my personal denial record, and if I make it to day 19 I’ll beat what I did back in December 2014 (when I accidentally had a ruin on day 18) ^^
Also I was wrong when I said this just felt like a dry spell o.o I think I had drop for a few days from some stuff and just wasn’t feeling into it but this no orgasms thing has definitely been having an effect, even if I’m not playing all that much. I get kinda turned on rlly easily and it’s so easy to get me into a subby state of mind, what even.. I like it, it’s so frustrating because I don’t usually feel this way when I’m cumming whenever I want.
But I’ve been having orgasms regularly since I was like 9 and I feel like I’ve just taken them for granted, and I can’t even decide if I really want to have one?? Like I like feeling like this. It’s not how I usually am. Usually I just… am a little too uptight, to be honest, about anything remotely intimate (not even sexual, like just regular intimacy, and then especially anything sexual). And I feel so much more chill and laid back about everything and it’s great and I don’t want to lose it.
But I’m supposed to be able to cum again on July 8? I don’t know. I don’t know if I should. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself… But I’m considering not? Before, when I denied myself, I didn’t really understand what my asexuality meant, and I just knew I liked how I felt during that whole month, and that it was out of the ordinary for me to feel so relaxed about sex and stuff. And now I’m realizing this is the closest to being a normal sexual person I’ve ever felt and I love it and don’t want it to end! Uggghhhhhh. I don’t know?
Maybe I shouldn’t just get to cum whenever I want. o.o that scares me a little.
Anyway, this has been a pretty long update and definitely contains some personal stuff and idk if it will really make sense for most people but that’s what’s been flitting through my mind, lol!
tl;dr – the denial is driving me nuts in a good way, I’m getting turned on at random times, and part of me really doesn’t want it to end, which is simultaneously a really great and really uncomfortable thought!