Really gives a whole new meaning to playing catch.
submissive
People who know me tend to equate me with strength. Which I definitely appreciate, as it’s something I pride myself in being.
But, I think I’ve developed such a thick skin that it is hard for the people around me to realize how I can hurt. Because I do believe that underneath the resilience, the self-reliance, the nose to the grindstone sort of attitude I have, the flippancy and all of that is a lot of sensitivity and a lot of sweetness that maybe gets overlooked. My therapist says I have trouble being really, honestly vulnerable with people, especially when feelings are at stake. I agree. I also simply do not allow myself to be anything less than strong. I’ve got this headspace where I can’t show people my actual vulnerabilities because to do so would be unacceptable.
Part of submission that appeals, then, is that ability to be vulnerable. To be sweet and gentle and devoted and sensitive and not have that mistaken for weakness. Maybe it’s partially a coping mechanism – a safe frame within which I can actually be vulnerable rather than in a normal life situation. But, I don’t know. It helps me express a lot of what I keep buried under the surface.
It’s difficult when you’ve grown so used to submitting to someone and then, suddenly, you’re not. A balance is thrown.
Specifically to that person, there’s still a sort of deference you afford them. There’s something very much “there” that is sometimes difficult to just let lie. Because these things become forces of habit and suddenly your signals are completely crossed.
Generally, it’s just difficult not to have that dynamic. I don’t want to say I’m just hardwired to submit to people, but there is something about it that makes me very happy and feel very secure. Beyond the sexual aspect of it, the psychological level is incredibly powerful. And it’s hard to sit there sometimes and think you’d like to be serving someone but it’s just not happening for you right now.
I’ve noticed quite a few of you lamenting on here recently over a bdsm relationship that just ended and I send my condolences and best wishes. Because I know how it feels. I’m there right now and everything’s just a little off-balance.
I know I’ve just revealed him recently, tumblr, but the thief and I will not continue with our current arrangement. Simply put, I will not be submitting to him anymore.
It hurts the both of us, but it’s the best step right now. He has things to attend to in his current relationship and I do not want to exacerbate anything that’s going on there. He and I are still very close, still care very much about each other, etc.
My goodness, I feel like a parent explaining their divorce.
But, yeah, we’re okay on an interpersonal level. However, personally, I’m a little bit shaken up. There’s a feeling you get from submitting to someone and you get that deep. After about nine months, we had settled into a groove and had become quite attached to each other. To be totally honest, my heart is hurting.
So, you know, be a little patient with me, tumblr. I’m feeling fragile.
<3, Ivy
Perfect commentary, absolutely true.
I’m strong. I will put up a fight, but not to be a brat, or to manipulate. It’s not because I’m not a ‘true’ submissive. I fight because I need to know you’re stronger than me.
It’s crazy how the other options don’t even cross my mind.
The fact stands that I don’t have to kneel. I don’t have to follow the routines, the orders, the reminders. I don’t have to abstain when I’m told and I don’t have to indulge when I’m told, either. I don’t have to reach the standard that is expected. There’s room for slippage and for coming up short.
But that never occurs to me until it’s pointed out later. And, by that point, I don’t want to think about the other options at all.
If only the pre-games at my university were like this. Seriously.
Pride has been such a hinderance for me, too. When I’ve had terms like “puppy” and “little girl” used during scenarios, my initial response was one of defensiveness, frustration, and, most importantly, fear. It’s very easy and simultaneously incredibly difficult to live in denial of a desire to be degraded and humiliated. What was probably the strongest feeling associated with terms like those and treatment like what is depicted in the picture is not a fear of discovery, but rather a fear of admitting to myself that I love being dragged down from the standard of respect that I hold myself to and expect others to hold me to, as well.
However, letting go of that has produced some of the most beautiful feelings of trust and understanding imaginable. It’s usually a slow process to get there, but once I’m there, I’m sold.
My pride so often stopped me from embracing who I am and all I share with Master. My pride stopped me from being the animal I am, from the humiliation I crave, from the obedience I desire.
I am letting go of so much pride in exchange for happiness. ~His
Even the stars know I’m submissive.