mom: I’m tired of you playing those violent video games.
me: but mom, this is Monopoly.
mom: CAPITALISM IS VIOLENCE
Chats
Me: Please look at this thing I found on tumblr
Friend: We are both on tumblr. We are mutuals. I see everything you reblog.
Me: look at this other thing tho
Friend: You reblogged that from me
horatio: norway wants to march their army through denmark
hamlet: what’s that prince’s name again?
horatio: fortinbras
hamlet: fourteen bras? that’s like
hamlet:
hamlet: twenty-eight titties
me to my significant other: you should watch this show
s/o: yeah maybe
me: let me rephrase that, if you value this relationship-
Guns vs Swords
ChatGuns: Cancer, Gemini, Aries, Capricorn
Swords: Virgo, Taurus, Libra, Scorpio
Both: Sagittarius, Pisces, Aquarius, Leo
what she says: I don’t like romantic movies
what she means: I am completely sick of the same white, heteronormative love story being shoved down my throat by Hollywood. I can’t watch a movie about dinosaurs running on a rampage in a park without them forcing a pasty male and a pasty female into a no-chemistry, forced-smile, by-the-way romantic subplot. I have probably seen forty-five variations of the same bland fucking couple falling in love. Oh wait! Now they’re falling in love during WAR TIME. SO ORIGINAL. BUT WAIT. NOW THEY’RE SEPARATED BECAUSE OF LIGHT-HEARTED EMBARRASSING MISUNDERSTANDINGS. FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. GOD
me today: you kids these days with all your cartoon lesbians… your bubbline and your korrasami and your garnet….. back in my day all we had was sailor moon and you had to pay for subbed episodes on vhs or else they were cousins
what women said: i really need healthcare and planned parenthood is the only place i can get it
what republicans heard: i, a literal witch indentured to satan, am thankful that the Republicans are personally paying for this dead baby store so that i can continue conjuring welfare stamps out of thin air. everyone knows that spell won’t work without murdered infants. thank you, American taxpayer
me: I want to be a badass and do wild and reckless things all the time I want to be arrogant and I want people to be intimidated by me
me, five minutes later: I want to be a pastel fairy and I want to be kind to everyone and everything I want to be a beacon of light and positivity
me, five minutes later: I want to be studious and do everything in the power to further my pursuits and I want to be objective and clinical
me: *is actually an emotional mess that cycles through personas so quickly that there is no defined personality to be found anywhere within such a clusterfucked self*
Me Texting: sarcasm on point, hilarious, snarky, too good for you
Me Talking: stutters, forgets words, dissolves into awkward silence