thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press “send”
thanks for your interest: why’d you have to bring this up
would you be so kind: fucking do it
best: i have never physically met you
all best: this conversation is over
all my best: i wish you would die
happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
i hope this helps: i’ve done all i’m willing to do
i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you’re too lazy to
sorry to chase: answer my email
so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
please contact my colleague: this isn’t my problem
i’m copying in my colleague: this isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it
i’ll check and get back to you: i might forget to
i’ll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
can you check back with me in a week?: i’m hoping you will forget to
per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
thanks!: i’m not mad at you
thanks!!: please don’t be mad at me
thanks!!!: i’m crying at my desk
please advise: this might be your fault
kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
mind if i swing by?: i’m already in the elevator
can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
sorry if that was unclear: i think you’re an idiot
let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again
Chats
~sexy gremlin vibes~
Chathe: it’s awesome. you have the soul of a gremlin, and the body of a beautiful woman.
he: it’s everything i ever wanted.
Me: *Plays old song in front of older black people*
Them: OUUUUUUU! Whatchu know ’bout this?
Me: I…
Them: You ain’t know nothin ’bout this!! *Starts doing the 2 Step*
what your sign is professionally certified at:
ChatAries: accidentally biting their tongue
Taurus: ignoring people
Gemini: talking during class without getting called on
Cancer: pretending they’re innocent
Leo: stalking people
Virgo: acing all their exams without even trying
Libra: annoying the shit out of everyone
Scorpio: scaring everyone away
Sagittarius: making puns
Capricorn: eating without getting fat
Aquarius: running away from their problems
Pisces: being lowkey evil
Woman: I’m smart
Patriarchy: Well you’re probably ugly then
Woman: I’m creative
Patriarchy: You mean unattractive right?
Woman: I have all these incredible accomplishments
Patriarchy: Yeah but look how ugly you looked doing them
Woman: I have value
Patriarchy: Not if you’re ugly lol
Woman: I’m conventionally-attractive & posted selfies on my blog
Patriarchy: I’m so sick of these empty-headed chicks only caring about their looks. Just because you are attractive and get attention from men doesn’t mean you are special or deserve respect. Why don’t you read a book or do something productive with your life you dumb slut
me, after not responding to a message for several days: sorry i am trash.
my friend: i like trash.
me, because he’s leaving the bed: i’m just an orgasm machine to you.
me: an orgasm machine that brings home a paycheck.
he: and a college degree.
he, in the voice of a commercial announcer: it graduated from an esteemed east coast ivy league university.
me: why don’t white people believe in lotion?
he: i don’t know. ashiness is the source of our power.
me: i wish someone liked me
someone: [likes me]
me: i must fake my death and lie low for ten years
placement asks
Chatsun: what makes you feel like you?
moon: do you have problem with trust?
rising: how/what do people say you come off as?
midheaven: what do you want to be when you grow up?
venus: do you flirt more knowingly or unknowingly?
mars: when was the last time you got mad and why?
mercury: who’s your go-to person when you need to talk?
jupiter: when was the last time you got lucky?
saturn: what are you the weakest and strongest at?
uranus: are you rebellious and do you act upon it frequently?
neptune: what was your best dream and why?
pluto: what is your biggest aspiration and why?
lilith: what’s your biggest turn on in someone?
aries: what’s your favorite sport to play?
taurus: are you a dog or cat person?
gemini: are you introverted or extroverted?
cancer: when was the last time you cried and why?
leo: what makes you the most confident?
virgo: what’s your strongest subject in school?
libra: what’s your favorite make up brand?
scorpio: what’s your most kept secret?
sagittarius: do you like to party?
capricorn: what’s the last book you’ve read?
aquarius: do you believe in aliens?
pisces: how frequently do you remember your dream?