Or: How to fuck them up without fucking them up
At least two of my play partners (and myself) are survivors of some form of abuse. This can make the kinky shit we get up to a little tricky. There’s a minefield of triggers to dance around while still making sure to have fun and not be handled too delicately.
So number one, talk about shit. Ask about triggers specifically.
I cannot be caned under any circumstances. I can’t have them even brought up as a thing to use on me as a joke. It’s really easy for people to crack jokes about beating and implements when you’re talking about kink, and it’s extremely important you know where lines are. I have a friend who is so triggered by belts as a tool he can’t hear them cracked. We cannot play with belts around this friend.Make sure to respect the things you learn about people. Don’t be a dick.
Number two, come up with a good system of checking in. Sometimes, asking the wrong questions are more triggering, or will just yank someone out of their subspace hard and fast. You want to find out the smoothest way to make sure your bottom is having a good time. Yes or no questions are good for this, because headshakes are simple and tend not to be too draining. You also have to make sure not to ask questions that make them feel pressured. “Do you want me to stop?” Is sometimes better than “do you want to keep going?”
Don’t knock body language in this case. Sometimes pausing and seeing if they arch after your touch or whimper at the pause is adequate.
Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes before you’ve ever checked they’ve started to curl up and you need to stop. Start slow and build up.
Let go of the notion that you need to have your scenes get to a certain level quickly.
I know a lot of people try to get new partners to subspace in the first few sessions. Chill the fuck out. Work gently up to that, it’s much easier to find out someones limits and a flow of conversation when you aren’t rushing to take their brain away.
If your partner gets triggered:
You should have talked about what to do in this circumstance with them before you ever got here, try to remember what they told you. Some people know what they need in the event they get badly triggered and can give you step by step instructions on how best to handle them. Some people don’t though, so here’s a few tips.
- If they’re bound, undo the bindings. Try to get them to sit up.
- Put on some music, the foreign sound can help pull them back to the present. Make sure to cover music in the list of triggers. Maybe have a playlist of aftercare music ready, soft gentle music played loud enough that they can hear it.
- Have a blanket/hoodie handy. The warmth and wrapping (without restraining) can be very comforting.
- Ask before touching. Sudden touch can be very scary when triggered.
- Don’t yell at them holy shit this is the opposite of helpful don’t do the thing.
- Talk to them. Talk to them about something asinine and random. Talk about the kind of food you like for lunch. This can again, help pull them into the present. It gives a focus as well as reminds them that they are currently with you and (hopefully) safe
- Have water ready, try to get it to their mouth without forcing them to drink.
- Try not to leave them alone! Being alone after this kind of thing REALLY SUCKS!!
Okay that’s all I got in me for today o/ bye
I have more to add!
Survivors of abuse can experience really nasty dom drop! Make sure to check in with your Dom after sessions and tell them how you enjoyed yourself and what you’d like more of!
It really really helps if you remind them how enthusiastic you are about your scenes! And cuddles, cuddles are important.
The usual Dom Drop fair of being afraid that you actually hurt someone is definitely elevated when you’re an abuse survivor, please be gentle with your Doms after sessions.
