i was emotionally abused in school as a small child, but strongly supported and validated at home; as a result, instead of coming to believe i deserved to be dehumanized and scapegoated, i developed a reactive stubbornnes where everyone who hasn’t earned my trust over a course of years is on probation and everything they say has to pass a gamut of skeptical analysis.
now, don’t get me wrong, this has caused a lot of problems for me in my life. my intimacy issues are breathtakingly bad. BUT it does have the followiing benefit: abusers testing for victim potential push me once, then run like hell.
what occurs to me after reading about the way abusers systematically erode your boundaries and use the frog-boiling method to make abuse seem normal, is that the general public could perhaps benefit from my experience, and learn that there is a simple first line of defense against abusers:
politely refuse the first request a new friend or date makes of you.
that’s it. that’ll weed out a whole lot of the assholes without you ever having to lift a finger to eject them. decent people will accept your refusal – they might be a little confused or hurt, but they won’t PUSH – and abusers will either show their true colors, or run like the cowards they are.
now, it might take a bit of cleverness to refuse the literally first request if it’s something like ‘please pass the salt’ that no sensible person would ever refuse, but if your hands are conveniently buttery you can do it. otherwise, wait for the first actual favor that requires effort, or just bluff it out – give them a cheerful nope and watch how they react.
because, in case you didn’t know this, a real friend will NOT throw a shitfit if you tell them you can’t drive them to work tomorrow, or you don’t want to lend them your jacket, or you’d rather they don’t take the last soda from your fridge. they really won’t. they’ll still be your friend. they won’t make a big deal out of it. i promise, abusive behavior is NOT normal, no matter what someone in your life may have told you.
