polyamory

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Here’s what it is like: I’m married to and live with my best friend. We cook for one another, laugh hysterically together, and have tons of sex, the vast majority of which involves just we two. Occasionally, one or both of us might make out with or even go to bed with somebody else. When this happens, communication is clear, standard precautions are taken (you know, like the ones single people use), and a good time is generally had by all.

I have no doubt that we are committed to each other, because we’re building a life together. Could he fall in love with somebody else? Sure, but our non-monogamous status doesn’t have much of an effect on that fact. He could also decide to run away and join the circus. There are no guarantees in life.

I think the most bizarre thing about monogamy to me is how often sexual exclusivity serves as a proxy for a real commitment. “Yeah, we’re together, I guess, because I’m not doing it with anybody else.” And the illusion that a monogamous commitment somehow makes a relationship more secure seems upended by the disruptive, obsessive, guilt-ridden emotions a monogamous person feels when he or she is (inevitably) attracted to somebody other than his or her partner.
My tone tends to be somber and straightforward when I talk about this topic, mostly because I don’t want to sound like I’m sensationalizing it. (Even though it’s the fu-king best. Seriously.)

I’ve spoken to close friends who are sure monogamy is right for them, and I’m convinced they can pull it off, that they know what they’re doing. But most people I talk to fear non-monogamy because they’re afraid of their own insecurity, their own jealousy. And in truth there’s a pretty strong non-attachment practice built into it. In all the ways society tells me I’m supposed to own my husband, the fact is I simply do not. Does it always feel super easy? No. But it always feels true. I believe that being open and honest is the best way to challenge negative stereotypes of unconventional marriages like mine.

I met my husband when I was 22. If I felt at the time that I would have to spend the rest of my life having sex with him and only him, I wouldn’t have married him. I would’ve gone out into the world and gallivanted around until I felt like all the sex was out of my system, and I would’ve missed out on sharing my life with the best human being on planet Earth. But in our relationship, we don’t have to get anything out of our systems. Our sex drives are allowed to stick around, to accompany us throughout life, to remain a part of our individual personalities as well as our relationship as a couple. So in that way, I guess we are on fire. But please, don’t assume that we need to be doused.

Erin Judge

I relate to this more than anything I’ve ever read on the subject of consensual non-monogamy. This reflects the agreement in my marriage accurately. <3

(Edit: Except for the running off to the circus part…. that would probably be me. :p)

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norhuu:

Part 4 of Happy Endings! This time just some cute sleepy makeouts in the morning. 

Part1 Part2 Part3 Part5 Part6 Part7

Some things I enjoyed reading that you might enjoy reading:

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herdirtylittleheart:

Have you ever wanted somebody you couldn’t have?

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brightswitch:

Of course! That’s a fairly normal part of life for people who are inclined to “want” others.

I’ve gotten crushes on friends who didn’t return the feelings. I’ve gone on dates with people that went well only for them to decide I wasn’t for them.

I was absolutely smitten with my best friend for years. I used to say her smile lit up whatever room she was in, but somehow no one picked up on how bad I had it for her. She’s straight. It happens.

I’ve also had feelings returned but circumstances separate. They’re taken at the time. They can’t do poly. They aren’t ready for a relationship. They liked me years ago but now it’s too late and they won’t let themself indulge the feeling now that I caught up with them.

Fairly regularly I will talk to someone, and realize with a jolt that I am daydreaming about kissing them until they start to remember past lives. Notice that every friendly touch is warmer than it should be, that they smell like comfort. And I want these people to love me, or fuck me, but usually both.

It happens. All I can do about it is feel my feelings and nurture whatever dynamic I do have with the person. If they want to be my friend, I will be their friend. I will listen to them cry and give advice and hug them and bake them cookies. I’ll crack jokes and sing songs and play games with them.

I don’t wait for these people to fall in love with me. I don’t wait for circumstances to change.

I just feel my feelings and live life with them however they will allow me to. If they don’t want me there at all, I will do that too.

Wanting and Knowing

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quickienewyork:

“You wanted to fuck her.”

“You say that like I shouldn’t.  Like I should only want to make out with her or kiss her fucking feet or something.”

“I just want you to be honest about it.”

“I am being honest!  We had a great time, and I like her a lot.  I think she’s beautiful, sexy, and brilliant.  I…”

“You wanted to rip off her clothes and fuck her silly.”

“I don’t know if that’s exactly…”

“Of course you fucking know!  You just don’t want to say it to me.  I’m a fucking adult, you know.  I can handle it.  In fact, you not saying it is making it worse.”

“Why do I have to decide this with you?  Why the hell can’t I decide this with her?  I mean, you already know that I like fucking you, so what does it matter?  If we fuck, we fuck, and I don’t want to have to figure it out before hand.”

We both took deep breaths and leaned back.  We each took sips from our drinks, and we looked nervously around the bar as we realized that people were listening.  

“You don’t have to figure it out,” she finally said.  “I just don’t want you to think you can’t tell me.  I want you to know I can handle it, and I want you to know that I prefer you being honest with me than second guessing everything.”

I thought for a few moments longer than was comfortable.

“I’m not always good at knowing what I want. But I’ll try to tell you when I do. Deal?”

She leaned over and kissed me. “Deal,” she said.

“I wanted to fuck her,” I whispered with a sheepish grin.

Guy New York

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Yeah, those poly moments when you have to figure your shit out and it’s not going exactly like you planned. 

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Some feel genuine, maddening, stinging jealousy when their lovers are with other partners. One woman says she feels physically sick, another sees tunnel vision, and a third loses control so much she feels like “other people are driving the bus and I’m not even close to the wheel.” They flinch when their lovers have sex with someone too similar to themselves, or writhe with discomfort when they feel their power in a relationship threatened. And yet, these women stand by their non-monogamous lives.

Niko Bell, “How polyamorous queer women really cope with jealousy” (via herdirtylittleheart)

A Note On Healthy Polyamory

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bipolyamorist:

Polyamory should be something that you take part in because it makes you happy, not because it pleases someone else. It shouldn’t be because your boyfriend thinks it’s hot to see his girlfriend with another girl. It shouldn’t be just because your partner wants to try it. It shouldn’t be because your partner says they’ll feel like cheating on you otherwise. 

Polyamory should primarily be for you.

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thinkivykink:

The fact is that while I’m mostly comfortable posting about the times I’ve been fucked over or been wronged by partners on here – after all, this blog is mostly an exercise in catharsis and processing – I struggle when it comes to admitting the times I’ve messed up.

I realized that I skipped it in proper order, though I’m not sure if it was conscious. I knew it was either before I went to see Sir for Thanksgiving or before the holidays. Part of it may have just been that it was a long time ago, part of it that I’m a little ashamed and anxious to put this here.

So, before Thanksgiving I was hanging out with Pup in his bed. It was a lazy weekend morning, and the sun was pouring in softly through the window. We were naked. Pup rolled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. He started teasing his cock over my slit.

In early October, I started the pill. In late October, Pup and I started having sex. Before that, Sir and I used condoms and so, when Pup and I started having sex, so did we. I’d never been on any other birth control before, and so I had never had vaginal sex without a condom.

So Pup was teasing me by pushing his cock between my legs and running it along my slit. I was really aroused, I could feel myself practically dripping onto him, could feel his thrusts become more liquid and easy.

“Do you want it?” he asked. “Just a little bit?”

I buried my face in the pillow. There’s a version of me that very clearly said that this was highly irresponsible and not something I had talked out with Sir, had even done with Sir. And I wish I could say that was how this went. But I got carried away. “Yeah,” I said, “I want it.”

It felt so good it took more longer than I’m proud to admit to ask him to stop. There was a point where I realized what I was doing and how I was wrong, a point remembering getting in an argument with Sir last spring where I said getting carried away wasn’t a real excuse. I didn’t tell him to stop right when I realized how damaging this was. But, eventually, I did.

We talked about it. We said the same things I’d once written off as bullshit. We got carried away. It felt too good to stop. We weren’t thinking.

I dreaded calling Sir. After all, I’d gotten so furious with him when he had come to me to admit to something similar. But I did. I thought that was just going to end it. And while he was upset, we talked about it. He forgave me just about right away, and we had a long conversation about both incidents. Our slip-ups, if you will, his and mine. Though I’m not proud of what I did, I’m proud to have a partner who was understanding and another who knew why what we did wasn’t okay and felt genuine remorse.

I’ve been scared to post this, but I feel part of good non-monogamy is accountability. So I’m being accountable here. I slipped up. He and I had negotiated condom use when it came to Pup, and I overstepped that. Luckily, some good came out of it in that we had this talk. But it’s also maybe important to know that people do fuck up, and a lot of a successful relationship like this isn’t just abiding by the rules (though you should do that, yo), but how you handle the fuck ups when they happen.