Sometimes when explaining my identities to people, they get stuck on the word poly and I need to explain what it is and who it is and, for me, why it is. I often jokingly simplify it down to “I don’t want the person who wants to go out with me dancing all night to have to be the same person to wake me up with waffles in the morning.” Poly doesn’t mean collecting all the bits and pieces of personalities that appeal to you in the form of seventeen different people and then plastering them, trading-card like, into a neat little label: the partner who loves fancy dinners, the girlfriend who you can adventure with, the rainy day fiance. I realize how ridiculous it is to boil someone down to a sum of parts and shine up the bits you like best, fitting those ones on your poly mantle and collecting others to complete the scene.
And yet, I often forget it’s equally impossible to do the opposite. It’s completely outrageous to think someone could be someone’s everything. I’m not bashing monogamy here – I’m being quite literal. Even a happily married monogamous couple doesn’t do everything together. You’ve got friends and family and business associates and acquaintances who fill the needs in your life, and you love them for and despite this. Your tennis partner is likely not your road trip buddy is not your lover is not your business partner. Sure, there’s some people with tons of overlap in the roles in your life, but they’re not every part of your life.
And try as I might, I can neither be every part of a partner’s life, nor remember my dogged determination to do so until I realize I’ve swum out too far. Until I’m so far out of the depths of where I know me that I have a moment of panic. I’m in unfamiliar territory, trying to be something I’m not. But, luckily, I learned to tread water early on, and if I can just catch my mind, I can lay back and float, and come back to myself, remembering the reason they love me is simply because I’m me.
1.
How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?
I
have understood, embraced & living poly for over 6 years. I
turned 30 and we flipped our then 10 yr monogamous marriage around
and at the time wanted to “spice things up”. I found
swinging, not really for me and needed something more as my husband
felt the same. We talked, talked & talked more and went thru many
discussions as to how we were going to date, deal with feelings,
relationship dynamics, etc. We learned during all that, what we were
building had a name and I started educating and still read all i can
on Polyamory. Over the first few yrs, experienced “unicorn”
dating. We weren’t the stereotypical unicorn hunters, and 8 years
later I have evolved on many levels.
2.
What does your relationship dynamic look like?
I
am currently in an open triad (MFF). No one is currently dating
anyone outside our triad, and no one has had a serious partner, yet
but the option is open. We are mainly, egalitarian but we fallen into
individual roles. We all live together, a big blended family of 8. We
have lived together for a year and been together almost 2 years. The
kids range from 15 – 4.
3.
What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?
I
think I excel at communication & compersion. I encourage everyone
to discuss their feelings. I think I work well at “self-evaluation”
and able to accept and see what my partners may have an issue with
when it involves me. I started a group inbox for us. So during the
day we all know whats going on and don’t have to repeat or forget to
tell each other something. I encourage individual dates, I think its
extremely important for the traid to have the individual
relationships, as well as I love to see them intimately interact.
4.
What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?
I
struggle with patience and being over protective. WIth our home life
and so many personalities, I have to relax and have patience for
things to fall into a natural vibe. The kids feeling more like
siblings, the kids looking to all the adults as caring parents and
the adults working cohesively. I get very fustrated when it seems we
aren’t flowing as a family. As far as being over protective, I
encourage my partners to build happy healthy relationships. But as
they say, I give everyone the side-eye until they prove they are
worthy of my partners companionship. Not many people understand
polyamory and have the wrong intentions. Many are just looking for
sex.
5.
How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?
Mostly,
I reassure myself that all things will fall into place. Talk to the
kids and my partners. My partners are great, we know when we need a
moment away from the house. Also, we work well together and they may
be already on top of something that needs to be done. And to deter
“issues”, and stay connect and to calm “momma bear”
nerves, we always talk about whom we may find interested in, getting
to know or is showing an interest in 1 of us.
6.
In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to
protect one another?
Right
now, its only the 3 of us and we test at least once a year. Indepth
discussion will be had, once someone has another partner. But condoms
are an understood must, without being said.
7.
What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous
history and how did you rebound from that?
I
have to say, nothing grossly erroneous has happened. Mostly, it has
been trial and error. I learned after a few dates, not to get too
excited. Wait for people to show you, rather than listen to what they
think, you want to hear. I would give my all before they had showed
they were as interested as I was.
(Bonus:
Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are
involved with that you would like to promote?)
Currently,
I host monthly poly meeting for the Philadelphia chapter of Black &
Poly.
My advice of today for those in or considering polyamorous relationships: get good with yourself. “Spank your inner moppet” in the words of Cordelia Chase. If you’ve got lingering childhood fears of being abandoned, of not being good enough, of being ugly or undesirable, you’d better believe that shit will resurface when your partner tells you they’re looking forward to playing with their lover. Get yourself right. Jealousy can come from a lot of sources, but ultimately it tends to boil down to one of two fears: we’re not strong enough, or I’m not good enough. Face that. You’ll all be better for it.
I’m a little confused by the question. Do you think marriage is the defining sign of monogamy in a relationship? Since most monogamous relationships I know and have been in are monogamous from shortly after people begin dating. Or being open somehow devalues our relationship since we have sex with other people? Or is it that you think that marriage is nothing more than legal benefits?
For my wife and I marriage is an experience, an expression of the intensity of our bond and pride for one another that we wanted to share with each other and our friends. It’s a special acknowledgement for each other, to share our vows for our feelings for one another, and to share that acknowledgement with the world to recognize that we’re bonded on that deep of a level.
A lot of people who don’t understand being open focus what is assumed to be selfish, as though it’s about people just being greedy, having sex with who they want to, and not caring for their partners feelings which couldn’t be further from the truth. Sometimes I’m not even interested in sleeping with other people while my wife can be busy fucking different guys. Consider the selflessness of supporting your partner do to what makes them happy, to explore new experiences, new people, and to be happy for them because seeing them happy makes you happy. Sleeping with other people doesn’t take anything away from our relationship, if my wife is happy with me, happy with our relationship, and is able to have more enjoyable experiences with other people then she’s just enjoying life and I’m lucky enough to get to share my life with her as well. The heart is more complex than 1+1=love or sex=love, you can experience an abundance of love for and from more than one person, which when being monogamous can be confusing and tricky, but if you can accept each other than it can expand that feeling infinitely. And even with multiple partners there’s nothing that can replace the connection that you have with one person, that stays between you two no matter what you experience with other people.
I would think about jealousy as a fear of abandonment. That’s why the reassurance becomes so important. The reassurance says, ‘You matter. But you don’t matter from a position of you are the only one and you are exclusive, you matter from a position of you are unique.
You accept it as a normal emotion and use it as a tool for identifying your own fears, insecurities, and weaknesses. You use it as a means to grow, to learn about yourself, to build strength–both within yourself and within your relationships.
You read books or blogs about communication in relationships. You talk with your partners. You allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. You give yourself permission to ache.
That shit’s tough, but you don’t avoid it. You can’t afford to.
You don’t avoid jealousy.
A little louder for those in the back please.
Jealousy can make you want to do irrational things. Recognize that, think about what you want to do and why. Does it seem unhealthy? That’s ok. Feel it. Process it. When you feel like you can calmly talk about it, do so.
