Fuck: the Hamburgler. (Who is apparently a grown man who lies to his wife now?)

Marry: Ronald McDonald. It’s a loveless union. He is clearly a sociopath, and I am his token-esque trophy wife. It is a very “separate bedrooms” sort of situation. I use his billions of McD-related dollars to fund social causes that he hates in an attempt to wound capitalism, racism, etc. and support an improved American political landscape.

Kill: Colonel Sanders. BYE.