A PM from a Follower …
“What are some good questions to ask a prospective Dom to help spot the fakes and the predators?”
Great question. First principle: open ended questions. Second principle: let the prospect keep talking. Third principle: respond briefly (“Ah.” “I see.” that sort of thing). Fourth principle: if he keeps bringing the conversation back to sexual matters, that’s a big red flag.
Now, to some specific questions. How the prospect answers these questions will be telling.
Tell me about your journey as a Dom. (let him ramble)
What is the most fulfilling part of being a Dom? (you want to hear things like the responsibility for guiding and directing and shaping you, not “having you suck my dick”)
Tell me about your last sub. ( note whether he speaks well or ill of her, regardless of how it ended)
Why did your last sub leave you? (she may not have been the one to leave, but the question will throw him off balance)
Which of your exes can I contact as a reference? (any Dom with any lived experience is going to have at least one ex who can speak to his qualifications)
Tell me about your mentor. (mentors are hard to come by these days, but “self taught” is often “badly taught”)
Tell me what non-kink things you bring to a scene. (you want to hear first aid kit, scissors to deal with rope-play mishaps in a hurry, H2O, snacks for aftercare)
How do you handle a safeword situation when the sub doesn’t have the power of speech? (you’re looking for him to talk about things like “safe gestures” or similar signals)
What is your 1 month vision for our dynamic if we decide to go forward? (you’re looking for the establishment of basic daily structure, rules, tasks, protocols).
3 month vision? (you’re looking for things like him holding you accountable, possibly the beginnings of orgasm control, etc)
1 year vision? (if he doesn’t have a 1 year vision, he’s most likely just looking to get laid)
Tell me 5 non-sexual things you would incorporate into our dynamic to help me feel my submission and your dominance? (you’re looking for things like good morning/good night, check ins, possibly clothing and meal approval, that sort of thing)
Be cagey, vet thoroughly, and above all, trust your gut. Your brain is unreliable, and your subby desires will get you in all kinds of trouble, but your gut never lies.
Absolutely spot on stuff. As always, @instructor144 tells it like it is.
kink
I adore how in kink we call intimacy “playing.” I can go up to someone and say, “Would you like to play with me?” The same as when we were children. This dark obsession of ours is pure and bright, like when we forget ourselves pretending to have superpowers in the schoolyard or when we grow so enamored with a book we tenderly sew it up inside our hearts and spend hours over laptop screens and notebooks spiraling into its universe. We design our own toys and research different ways to make someone scream or pose properly on our knees, and we realize we never left those days escaping into our fantasy dimensions. Those who did not understand branded us odd, and that hasn’t changed either. As we graduate from playgrounds and swings, we isolate ourselves too much in our own strangeness; in our own imaginations. We must reach out and teach ourselves to play again.
Playing is giddiness and enthusiasm and innocence. Will you play with me? Will you share this love of mine and laugh it across our bodies in bruises, cum, and blood? Will you hold up your hand to slap my face as if you are a candle in a dark attic between two grade school friends sharing secrets when their parents think they are sleeping? Help me arrange my pain and pleasure alphabet blocks. You are a knight and I am a warrior. Your flogger is your stick sword, my skin is my cardboard shield. I am a dragon and you are a princess. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, I’ll leave scorch marks and pull your hair.
In our taboo corner, we seek safety under shadow. Our fantasies and longings stir inside us misunderstood and denied like the desperation with which we waved wands and secretly believed we were wizards. We sometimes find someone like us. Someone who knows magic and that other world one can’t put into words; the one that feels like fireflies in your belly. And in an excited, hushed encounter like two am at summer camp under the covers with comic books and flashlights, the only right way to ask is, “Do you want to play?”Love love love this
Since a book isn’t happening any time soon, I’ve turned to something less ambitious and actually far more in the spirit of classic anarchism: zine making.
This is the read-friendly version, print-friendly version coming soon.
This is beautiful. Here is a transcription of the text in the images:
[Cover]
A first exploration into why I like kink but NOT bdsm
TRIGGER WARNINGS:
- rape culture
- predators
- abuse
[Page 1]
I think kink is really amazing.
All these possibilities to find eroticism or romance or care in unlikely places.
[Page 2]
There is:
- shoes,
- fantasy,
- fabrics
- (playing) creatures,
- gender roles,
- places,
- touch,
- dirt,
- cleaning,
- publicity,
- history,
- roles,
- orgasms (or not),
- drag,
- clothing,
- styles,
- privacy,
- your kink here: __________.
[Page 3]
But if you look for kink you find “BDSM” and that’s usually like…
- …one person is powerless,
- and getting tied up,
- and likes pain,
- inferior,
- Pornografic,
and the other is like the exact opposite.
…
That’s not very creative. (Boring! Restrictive! Binary!)
[Page 4]
And,
For a community that claims to value consent and communication, BDSM sure has a lot of…
- “let me push your boundaries”
- “but you know you LIKED it”
- violence,
- “it’s not rape if…”
- “but did you use your safeword?”
- “expressing your desire is topping from the bottom”
- “you don’t like that…yet”
…along with trying to protect an image of NOT being abusers, ends up protecting abusers, rapists and predators.
…does not allow conversations about consent violations.
So they
talk the talk
but they end up
not walking
the walk.[Page 5]
Imagine if we could restart kink, explore it without BDSM.
without racism
without rape culture
without sexism
without domism
without patriarchy
without transphobia
without shaming
vulnerability.This is not easy. We’re not all happy and healthy, and neither are our kinks.
[Page 6]
But it seems worth the
trip
exploration
workImagine…
- kink without power binaries
- without identity borders or flags
- kink without dominants
- kink without clearly defined roles
- kink as a world to explore, not a club to join
Imagine exploring.
[Back Cover]
Fuck copyright.
Steal my stuff.
If you would like to print and distribute this zine, there are print-ready versions of the above imagines available here.
Thank you so much for making a transcript. After about 3 hours of scissors and glue I was too tired to do that today. thanks <3