A PM from a Follower …
“What are some good questions to ask a prospective Dom to help spot the fakes and the predators?”
Great question. First principle: open ended questions. Second principle: let the prospect keep talking. Third principle: respond briefly (“Ah.” “I see.” that sort of thing). Fourth principle: if he keeps bringing the conversation back to sexual matters, that’s a big red flag.
Now, to some specific questions. How the prospect answers these questions will be telling.
Tell me about your journey as a Dom. (let him ramble)
What is the most fulfilling part of being a Dom? (you want to hear things like the responsibility for guiding and directing and shaping you, not “having you suck my dick”)
Tell me about your last sub. ( note whether he speaks well or ill of her, regardless of how it ended)
Why did your last sub leave you? (she may not have been the one to leave, but the question will throw him off balance)
Which of your exes can I contact as a reference? (any Dom with any lived experience is going to have at least one ex who can speak to his qualifications)
Tell me about your mentor. (mentors are hard to come by these days, but “self taught” is often “badly taught”)
Tell me what non-kink things you bring to a scene. (you want to hear first aid kit, scissors to deal with rope-play mishaps in a hurry, H2O, snacks for aftercare)
How do you handle a safeword situation when the sub doesn’t have the power of speech? (you’re looking for him to talk about things like “safe gestures” or similar signals)
What is your 1 month vision for our dynamic if we decide to go forward? (you’re looking for the establishment of basic daily structure, rules, tasks, protocols).
3 month vision? (you’re looking for things like him holding you accountable, possibly the beginnings of orgasm control, etc)
1 year vision? (if he doesn’t have a 1 year vision, he’s most likely just looking to get laid)
Tell me 5 non-sexual things you would incorporate into our dynamic to help me feel my submission and your dominance? (you’re looking for things like good morning/good night, check ins, possibly clothing and meal approval, that sort of thing)
Be cagey, vet thoroughly, and above all, trust your gut. Your brain is unreliable, and your subby desires will get you in all kinds of trouble, but your gut never lies.
Absolutely spot on stuff. As always, @instructor144 tells it like it is.
bdsm
I adore how in kink we call intimacy “playing.” I can go up to someone and say, “Would you like to play with me?” The same as when we were children. This dark obsession of ours is pure and bright, like when we forget ourselves pretending to have superpowers in the schoolyard or when we grow so enamored with a book we tenderly sew it up inside our hearts and spend hours over laptop screens and notebooks spiraling into its universe. We design our own toys and research different ways to make someone scream or pose properly on our knees, and we realize we never left those days escaping into our fantasy dimensions. Those who did not understand branded us odd, and that hasn’t changed either. As we graduate from playgrounds and swings, we isolate ourselves too much in our own strangeness; in our own imaginations. We must reach out and teach ourselves to play again.
Playing is giddiness and enthusiasm and innocence. Will you play with me? Will you share this love of mine and laugh it across our bodies in bruises, cum, and blood? Will you hold up your hand to slap my face as if you are a candle in a dark attic between two grade school friends sharing secrets when their parents think they are sleeping? Help me arrange my pain and pleasure alphabet blocks. You are a knight and I am a warrior. Your flogger is your stick sword, my skin is my cardboard shield. I am a dragon and you are a princess. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, I’ll leave scorch marks and pull your hair.
In our taboo corner, we seek safety under shadow. Our fantasies and longings stir inside us misunderstood and denied like the desperation with which we waved wands and secretly believed we were wizards. We sometimes find someone like us. Someone who knows magic and that other world one can’t put into words; the one that feels like fireflies in your belly. And in an excited, hushed encounter like two am at summer camp under the covers with comic books and flashlights, the only right way to ask is, “Do you want to play?”Love love love this
Just to clarify
StandardIn BDSM there are three separate forms of power exchange. In no particular order:
- Sadism & Masochism
- Topping & Bottoming
- Domination & Submission
Sadism & Masochism is the exchange of power through pain. Spanking, flogging, whipping, caning, CBT, nipple torture, even rough sex. Like feeling a little pain with your pleasure? You’re a masochist. Does making someone hurt bring you pleasure? You’re a sadist. Can you be both? Absolutely. I think most of us are, in subtle ways. (My Domme pointed out it was rather sadistic of me to tease my dog with a treat to make him do cute tricks.)
Topping & Bottoming is the exchange of power through sex. One of you is in control of the situation, whether it’s just for this roll in the hay, or every single time with your partner. That person is topping. The passive, or controlled one is bottoming. So if it’s being held down or tied up during sex, or begging for an orgasm, or edging someone until they cry… that is sexual power exchange. Can you be a top and a bottom? Oh, yes, you can. You can even do it in the same romp, if that’s what works for you and your partner.
Domination & Submission is the exchange of power through emotions and intimacy. D/s (the shorthand for this) is about rules, structure, discipline, and protocol. And that can be as intense as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, or as simple as calling your husband ‘Sir’ or ‘Daddy’ because he said so. In between is a WORLD of amazing ways to exchange power mentally.
Rules are set in place with a purpose -not just because they’re sexy. Rules are things like: Check in via text when you leave work (so I know you’re on the road and shouldn’t text). Send a photo of your outfit every morning (so I can see how beautiful you look today, and compliment you). Work out four times a week (because I want to help you stay healthy).
Protocols are similar, they are standards of behavior, such as the way you talk to and address your partner, hand them a drink, carry yourself when others are around, or present yourself to them in varying situations. Protocols are brilliant for reinforcing the D/s dynamic. Broadly speaking, you’re not often reminded of protocols unless you misstep. So something as simple as remembering to stand to your girlfriend’s left and wait quietly if she’s talking to someone at a party can reinforce your submission to her.
Discipline is about reinforcing the dynamic and enforcing rules and protocols. Mistakes are made, rules forgotten. We’re all human. That is when discipline comes in. The transgression is addressed, punishment handed out, and then the slate is wiped clean. Add in some affection after the fact and you’ve just reinforced everything you are working towards together. The intimacy required for this is pretty damn intense, and it’s important to know each other well before diving in.
Structure is key in a D/s dynamic, because without consistency, it can all fall apart. Rules that aren’t enforced are unlikely to be followed. A Dom who allows his sub to get away with everything isn’t likely to keep the respect he has earned. And respect and reverence are part and parcel of the whole kneeling thing. Likewise, a submissive who is constantly fighting the rules she agreed to isn’t respecting the dynamic, and isn’t doing her part to make it work. D/s is a lot of work for both partners, and isn’t something to be jumped into too quickly or taken lightly.
—–
Now, to review, you can mix and match the forms of power exchange however suits you and your partner(s). And it is often different from one partner to the next. Some people fit the classic roles of Dom/Top/Sadist and Sub/Bottom/Masochist. Some people switch between sadism and masochism, while always remaining a Dom and top. Some people switch between topping and bottoming. Do you see the point I’m getting at here?
You can be any combination of those six roles in any given relationship, and that includes NOT being one of them, even when, traditionally, the others may apply.
Wanting to be in control in the bedroom does NOT automatically make you a Dom. (Say it again for the fuckboys in the back.)
Enjoying rough sex and spanking does NOT automatically make you a sub.
And you can very well be a Dom who doesn’t physically punish his sub or enjoy rough sex. And you can easily be a submissive who does not get spanked.
The definition of these terms is much broader than my summary, and will differ from person to person. Don’t pigeonhole yourself by feeling you need to adhere to a stereotypical definition of any of these terms or roles.
And if you feel I missed something, and it’s possible I did, as this is based entirely on my reading and experiences in my local community, let’s talk about it.
So very well-written. Well done @mussedandmanhandled
@instructor144 @the-faculty @dominantlife @toodomforyou. An excellent reference (IMHO) for you guys who regularly dole out sage advice.
All of this. ^^^ Yes.
☝️☝️☝️THIS IS GREAT ☝️☝️☝️
I think what you wrote was great and has a lot of good basic information. It’s important that you mentioned every role/dynamic is different. Obviously it would take forever to include every little thing but I did notice a few things.
As a bottom who gets nothing sexual out of playing, I think it should be noted that people top and bottom for different reasons. I personally bottom for suspension to spin and conquer my fear of heights. I bottom for impact for reasons I haven’t quite figured out yet. Other bottom friends do it because they love rope or pain, they get some sort of release, it’s time to pay up from playing Poke the Sadist, or something else. Tops, like bottoms, have a variety of different reasons. Some only care about making their bottoms’ experience pleasurable, others do it because they enjoy topping itself, maybe it’s a release for them, and other reasons.
As for “Likewise, a submissive who is constantly fighting the rules she agreed to isn’t respecting the dynamic, and isn’t doing her part to make it work,” there are bratty submissives. The difference between a bratty submissive and a disrespectful one is that a bratty one knows (or is willing to learn) where the line is and a disrespectful one doesn’t care.
Thank you!
Ah, thank you for bringing these points up!
I think playing without sexual intent can mostly fall under the heading of sadomasochism. If you’re paying up from playing Poke the Sadist, for example, or getting beaten for cathartic release, it’s definitely not sexual. Though the terms ‘topping’ and ‘bottoming’ are still valid in this context, it’s a different thing from the sexual topping and bottoming I was referring to.
Likewise, bratting is a separate subcategory of submission. When approached properly, brattiness is an agreed-upon part of the dynamic. Since not all submissives are bratty, and not all Doms will endure a bratty sub, it’s important to note that there’s a difference between occasionally being a brat, acting out due to emotional strain, or struggling with submission, and actually considering yourself a brat. The gist of my statement stands true, if a submissive is fighting the dynamic she agreed to, she isn’t submitting.
Since I wasn’t there, I told @virtuouscunt she was in charge this night. I gave her only one stipulation, other than that she could do whatever she wanted. She didn’t let me down. Did a great job giving suicide girl a little teaser. After watching it again though, I’m not sure she will be able to handle me come Valentine’s Day. You can already see her start breaking down a little bit towards the end.
(Source: http://degenerate-cowboy.tumblr.com/)
could you please explain how the safeword traffic system works?? i really cant wrap my head around it
StandardSure.
Red means stop. No more negotiation, something has crossed a line (too painful, something bad that wasn’t negotiated, etc.)
Yellow means that you need a break or that something is too much, or that if the top continues then you’re going to “red” soon.
Green means that things are going well and you want to continue if not ramp it up a little.
While a bottom might blurt out red or yellow, I’ve never seen a bottom volunteer “green”. It’s usually said in answer to when a top is checking in to make sure everything is okay. Asking “How are you?” and getting an answer of “fine” or “okay” might mean the bottom is just on autopilot and reflexively answering. Asking “What’s your color?” and getting “green” or “I was very close to yellow when you stopped” is much better.
One of my favorite doms to watch at parties was doing a pre-scene negotiation with someone he hadn’t played with before and said something like “Now, just between you and me here 😉 , my favorite color is yellow. It’s not about taking anything I can dish out. I promise you, I can always go harder. I want to know how you’re doing. I’ll likely yellow you, on purpose, a few times, just to find out where your limits are and then aim for a little below that. I don’t want to hear ‘green green green, green green red’ because then the scene’s over. I want some indication of how you’re doing and when you’re getting close to what you can handle, okay?”
And then, whenever she yellowed, he praised her. And why wouldn’t he?? She gave him vital information that allowed the both of them to have more fun!
This is such a fantastic answer and also I’m completely turned on by that kind of negotiation. It makes me feel safe (both as a dominant or a submissive) which helps me relax and enjoy myself. I like giving options when I’m topping. If I’m concerned at all that someone isn’t enjoying themselves or needs a break and is trying to be a tough cookie, I give them an easy out that doesn’t involve much over-thinking. “Should we stop for some water or should I spank you some more?” “Should I fuck you until you cum or does this little pussy need a break?” “Can I take a picture or should I just keep this cuteness all for me?” While I encourage anyone in a D/s relationship to practice speaking up for their needs as much as possible, I also recognize that for people-pleasing personalities in particular it can be helpful when someone puts the “no” on the table first.
Kink negotiation and communication has honestly changed who I am as a person. Everything said above is superb, and I think we should all take a second to marvel at the ways that consent-based culture (and its clear protocols) can help you achieve wildly intense moments of ecstasy and potentially explore previously untapped parts of yourself.
One of the things that held me back from actively exploring BDSM and kink for years is that I didn’t see it portrayed in a way that appealed to me, or spoke to my tastes and desires. All of my early exposure was the typical black leather, serious dom, slave style submission. It didn’t resonate with me, I didn’t see myself in it. And then I found tumblr and was exposed to a lot more content that was made by women or curated by women, a ton more queer content, a fuckload more feminist content, personal narratives that showed kink in real life contexts rather than on porn sets or fancy photoshoots. Through those avenues I started to find other bratty submissives and little submissives, play pets and do-it-yourselfers, lady doms and femme daddies and gender queer tops and bottoms. I learned more about versatility and fluidity, spectrums and authenticity. I found kink aesthetics and dynamics that suited me, that felt right, that appealed to my senses. I found porn that turned me on and made me excited. I learned that a dynamic is whatever you build between you and your partner(s).
As long as there is consent there’s no wrong way to do it. It doesn’t have to be the polished demure face you see in black lingerie and serious faces, it can be messy and cute and loud and varied and queer as fuck. There can be boatloads of laughter. It can be whatever feels good for you. My cuffs are pink and my flogger is white and sometimes I’m a naive little bunny girl and sometimes I’m a Pretty mean Daddy, but either way I can guarantee you that my hair is messy and I smile. And my kink fits me, and I’ve found partners who it fits as well, and we figure it out as we go and build on the parts that feel right until we have something that we love and can’t get enough of. Do it your way, make it your own, grow and learn and change when it feels good. Your sexuality is as unique as your fingerprint.
Black Kink Aware Professionals & Resources | The Kink Realm, a BDSM resource
LinkBlack Kink Aware Professionals & Resources | The Kink Realm, a BDSM resource
for any BPOC kinksters following me on tumblr.
Thanks for this! I think often about how difficult it would be to find health care professionals that could cover my various intersections.
I usually wear an infinity collar day to day. But I love it when Daddy takes it off and puts on this hand forged collar custom made for me. The weight, the look, the feel of it…
This collar is gorgeous and also everything. 🙌🙌🙌
For those of you who think asking for what you want takes away from the fantasy.
For those who think that a sub asking for their desires is topping from the bottom.
For those who don’t want to communicate because it ruins the mood.
Allow Me to open your eyes to a whole new way of seeing things.
I delight in forcing a sub to ask for what they want.
I know how it can humiliate them, begging to be hurt,
admitting that they want it, confessing their perversion.
I love watching their eyes, trying to look away in shame,
as they ask to be hurt, having to admit, not just to Me,
but to themselves, that this is what they want,
that this excites them,
they they’re wet…
So ask your sub if they are enjoying this.
Ask your sub if they wish to continue.
Ask them if they want more.
you are being a responsible Dom in communicating,
and also have to opportunity to see them flush with embarrassment,
knowing they have to admit to you that they want more…