Tonight someone asked Sir ( @femsubdenial )if there was a place for disability in kink and I figured as a disabled sub I was in a pretty good position to offer a reply.
My first answer is an enthusiastic yes.
My second answer of course is that it’s slightly more complicated than that.
A lot of disabled people enjoy various aspects of kink, for various reasons. Some disabled kinky folk, particularly those whose disabilities include experiencing pain frequently will deliberately seek out pain in a BDSM context and find it enjoyable particularly because it’s a way of being able to gain some control over the pain that your body experiences. Other people have other reasons for enjoying it. Much the same as non-disabled people come to kink for all kinds of reasons and are into all kinds of different things.
So, then, what does it take to become involved with the kink community as a disabled person? It can be a big challenge. In part we are at the mercy of event organizers to make things accessible to us (though, some cities do have specific disability and kink munches which can be a fantastic place for a disabled kinky person to start) unless we want to start organizing something ourselves. Not all disabilities can be well-accommodated in a munch format. For people with social anxiety, or those with hearing loss, or sensory issues the over stimulation that can occur at a munch can be way too difficult, and they might want to look for other pathways into the community (For example, meeting with munch organizers one on one, being slowly introduced to a few people at a time, etc.). Other disabilities can be a lot easier to attempt to accommodate (eg. ensuring that a munch is held at a mobility-device accessible venue, or having a volunteer to assist a blind munch-goer). Either way, whether munches are feasible or not for you given your disabilities, your first point of contact in the community is likely going to be a munch organizer, as they are the people who tend to be visible in the community and easy to contact. They would be who you negotiate any accommodations or alternate settings to meet people that you might need. It is however important to remember that these are volunteers who are invested in the community and give their time to put things together, so be prepared to work with them to find solutions rather than become hostile if there is a limit to what they can do to accommodate.
Another area that can be particularly challenging to navigate as a kinkster with a disability are play parties. Play spaces can be notorious for being inaccessible to users with mobility devices. This would be particularly true in places where the laws make public play spaces risky and the majority of play occurs in private play parties in people’s homes. Organizers may or may not be aware of the challenges that exist in these spaces prior to someone attempting to access them so you might want to ask a number of questions about the space before attempting to attend a party. Other considerations for play parties can be parties that require attendees to be vouched for when members are unable to attend munches due to disability. Or parties that require attendance within a particular time period of being accepted into a group. These are things that require negotiation with event coordinators, who might require some gentle education about disability to understand why particular policies may be problematic and prevent disabled people from being a part of the community.
Playing as a person with a disability is an area that I could probably write an entire post on. The most important thing to stress here is communication and knowing your body well. As a disabled person it is highly likely that your body does something unique that other bodies don’t, and you have particular things that partners should be aware of either during play or in aftercare. For example, when Sir came to visit me I had just had a minor surgery and part of my body was still healing, so I knew that there were certain types of play that we couldn’t engage in. Diabetics need to communicate to their partners that they may need a play partner to check their blood sugar for them mid-scene if they are restrained in some way, and provide juice or insulin if they are high or low. People with chronic illnesses may have particular areas of their body that partners need to be aware of during impact play. People who are paraplegic or quads may need their partners to ensure that there isn’t skin damage or sores that develop from their play and have really specific ways that they like to play so that they won’t risk damaging areas of their body that they can’t feel. It’s going to be very unique to you, and it may take some experimentation to figure out exactly what that looks like in the context of your play. It needs to be a central part of your negotiations with your partner though in order to keep you safe. I don’t think that this acts as a deterrent or a turn off for people. I think people in the scene take safety really seriously, and someone who knows their body and their limitations and can communicate about it clearly and effectively is a huge turn on. Plus, most of the Dom/mes I know who you want to play with have a huge creativity and logic kink and love to be presented with a challenge.
It’s also important to remember that all of those above guidelines extend to aftercare too. Someone who has social anxiety for example might need after care to occur in private because feeling vulnerable in front of people feels too uncomfortable. A diabetic might need to have food shoved their way. Someone who experiences regular joint pain may need a heating pad to help lessen the impacts of rope or restraints on their body. It’s important to figure out what your specific needs are.
I hope that this is helpful. It certainly is more challenging to be a kinky disabled person than it is to be a kinky able-bodied person, but that doesn’t in any way mean that kink and disability are incompatible. People have suspended wheelchairs and their users in them. Blind and Deaf people go to play parties and kink conferences (I even know of kink conferences that bring in ASL interpreters). There is room for kink and disability to coincide wonderfully, it just takes thoughtful negotiation and communication to determine what is going to work best for you.
Good luck on the journey!
I was hoping you’d chime in! 🙂 Thank you.
This answer covers pretty much everything i would think of and more. It’s good to know i’m not the only one who likes pain because it distracts from the regular everyday pain and because i’ll know why it hurts for a change (and in a good way rather than the bad way).
i think the only thing i could add would be to be aware of how your play may impact their life even after the necessary aftercare. For example i have a chronic illness and often the symptoms of an activity don’t always appear til a few days after, and because my pain tolerance is high it is easy to accidentally bruise me as i won’t notice how hard you are squeezing/pinching/hitting etc and while that doesn’t bother me i have to take into account that carers will be able to see it and don’t want them ringing up social services thinking i’m being abused. Oh, and one other thing – disability is not a fetish and while it might affect how you play, it shouldn’t make a difference in why you want to play with that person.
Being aware of your pain tolerance is actually a pretty big thing for people with chronic illnesses. When Sir was here he was pinching and playing with my nipples, and sure, it hurt, but not that badly at all, or at least not until several hours later when we realized that he’d been pinching so hard he’d actually torn the flesh open in a few spots, and then we had to avoid too much play with my nipples for the next several days while they healed. Especially when you are in that subby headspace with endorphins flooding your body and making the pain feel good, coupled with your normal tolerance for pain, it’s pretty possible to do some real damage before it crosses over the line into “bad” pain.
