i’m realizing that being burnt out/depressed for me manifests itself as being lazy in weird ways. and it’s never hard stuff, it’s always things like texting someone back or writing an email, making a call, folding clothes. i can haul myself out of bed and shower and drag myself across the borough to run a choir rehearsal, but i can’t answer a question, wtf.
i think i finally figured this out, and it ties back into the “functional depression” of Black folks that i was talking about the other day
i’m pretty sure what happens is that we automatically filter our actions and (subconsciously or otherwise) calculate the consequences. if we can deal with them or they can be easily made up (letting laundry pile up, not answering text messages, not eating/sleeping, etc), then those actions get swallowed by depression, but things that have consequences that can’t be made up or that will add more mental anguish (skipping work/school, not showing up to certain functions, not taking basic care of those entrusted to us), then we funnel all of whatever mental energy we have into that. we let the little things or the things no one else will notice that can be easily covered up or remedied fall away and put whatever we have left after anguish into the top priorities.
and this is (part of) why peace of mind is a luxury when you’re Black.
Good points, great insight
