Dear kate, thank you for the beautiful and inspiring blog. I am in my first ongoing D/s relationship, and I love my Dom. I also have a history of sexual and emotional abuse which constantly triggers self-hatred, doubt, and resentment toward him. Sometimes it feels like I need him to constantly reassure me. I know he does not have the ability or responsibility to “fix” me, and I want to be strong and whole for him. Do you have suggestions on ways I can find peace and self-assurance in serving?

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slavekate-deactivated20150908:

thank you for sharing this deep truth with me. I am so sorry for the pain your life journey has taken you through. I honor your strength to get to this point.

Post-traumatic stress triggers are something to be aware of, and find coping mechanisms or anti-triggers (reverse messages – instead of thinking “I’m not good enough” when that thought rises you automatically change the message to “every day I’m better and I’m who I need to be now”)  – are something that come with intervention and time.

Your Dom’s job is to protect you, love you, enjoy you and be someone you appreciate,love and enjoy as well. You’re right – he can’t fix you and he can’t fill the holes left in you. What he can do is compassionately encourage and empower you to do the work of healing. Here’s the best steps I know.

Therapeutic Alliance: Sexual and emotional wounds are best healed with tools from professionals – therapists and specialists who can healthfully guide you. Don’t do this alone.

Journaling/Introspection: Keep a journal when negative messages or triggers happen so you can begin to recognize them before they cause you to act out. You know when you’re listening to the radio and a song you hate comes on – you can tell from the first three notes. Learn to sense your triggers quickly.  Write beside them positive and reversing language for your mind to practice.

Don’t know something til you know it.  After abuse, people tend to run scripts in their head of what they think other people feel, mean, etc. So if you have to stop your scene because it’s bringing back a bad memory – you decide he’s thinking “This girl is so disappointing” — BUT what he’s really thinking is “I hate that someone hurt her. How can I nurture her.” —Until your Dom says “I;m angry” or “I’m disappointed in you” – DON’T assume that’s in his head. Don’t speak for him. Don’t know it – til you know it.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Then- Stop. There is a time for everything. There’s a time to talk over memories and issues and there is a time to just be in his arms, or kneeling before him silent, and just enjoy the moment that is. That’s why you should get a therapist – so he doesn’t have to play a role he’s not educated or suited for. Let someone else be the helper. Let him be the lover/Dom.

Be Gentle With Yourself – All you have to be is who you are – a strong, genuine, human being. Let yourself have good days, bad moments, bright hopes and rest. Be here now.

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