I’m seeing now the things I missed the first time around.
When I got home Thursday night from coffee with Cub my husband was quiet and half asleep. He asked how it went, I said it was really nice, he said he was going to bed, I said sweet dreams.
I was worried for a moment, and then I flashed back to the confused and angry scene that followed my first date with Cub more than 3 years ago. “This is progress,” I said to myself, alone in a sleeping house.
Of course he feels a bit down, it was a difficult step, and he did the right thing, he didn’t take it out on me or say anything he couldn’t take back, he took the space he needed.
And I did the right thing too; I let him go.
In the past I would have followed him, crawled into bed with him and asked if he wanted to talk, fretted and pushed him because I needed reassurance that he still loved me even though he was upset. This time I recognized what he was really saying “It’s too tender, I need some time.”
I didn’t allow myself to feel guilty, I didn’t make myself responsible for his feelings. When I felt those nagging thoughts slinking in I reminded myself he has asked for very challenging things too, and I have given them to him. Every time. This is our arrangement.
The next morning he was sweet and chipper, already looking forward to our movie night plans and snuggling my bum on the couch.
When he finally asked me, later that night, for more details about my date I could tell he was in good space. He asked some fair questions, he listened with an open heart. I was grateful that I hadn’t pushed him, that I had trusted him to come to me when he was ready.
He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me in a tight squeeze. “Now that the tough stuff is out of the way I guess I should tell you about the dream I had last night…” He whispered in my ear that he woke up hard after dreaming that he and Cub had tied me up together and were teasing me. I blushed and hid my face. He pinned me against the mattress, biting and kissing the back of my neck, he made me admit that I missed Cub’s tongue before he would fuck me.
Saturday night Cub took us out to a concert, the three of us ended up back at our place afterwards, drinking and smoking and laughing. There was no reason to push things further, everything will happen in it’s own time. I was just happy to have us sitting at the same table with smiles on our faces.
Heart photo by seyed mostafa zamani on Flickr.
Text by Heart
I needed to read this today.