“To get something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done. ”
I’ve had quite a few D/s relationships over the years, with varying levels of power exchange and varying levels of protocols and discipline involved.
As meaningful as those were for me at the time and with the people I was with, there was always a certain je ne sais quoi missing. They were often lovely people and we had strong connections going on. I cared for them deeply. We negotiated, we trusted, we had fun sexy times, we had all the stages of relationships.
But there never was anyone who I trusted above my own judgement. Never anyone I would give power and control to over what we had explicitly negotiated. Never anyone whose preferences and goals became mine outside of “training" within sceneing-like contexts (and I always separated D/s from my personal, autonomous self as a matter of course). Never anyone whose very morals and values I’d willingly accept for my own. Never anyone who really had the power to change me on a fundamental level.
There were walls around my inner self. «thinks» Considering that I’ve only ever been in love twice in my life, there were clearly walls around my heart as well.
I knew, I’ve always known, that there was something missing in a lot of those connections. That they were only touching me skin deep. But I figured that I was just a loner and I simply wasn’t the kind of person who connected intensely with other people…outside of short, random, stranger-connections. I just didn’t do that with people I knew for more than a couple of hours, max.
I knew, the minute I laid eyes on icanbegentle, that he was different. Good different. The relaxed, jovial attitude, confident in directing me through a cuisine I had never experienced before, and the 7 hour long conversation that followed showed me my instincts were right. And later, when we made out in the back of the car, he gave me my first command and without hesitation I obeyed. (disclaimer: if you are brand-new, DO NOT follow anyone’s commands on the first date.) Because I looked at him and saw the Dom in him and it was one I responded to strongly.
What I did not, could not, have anticipated at the time was how powerful that D/s chemistry was between us. How it would grow all-encompassing and grow roots as years passed and trust built and we remained friends. Until not kneeling at his feet became such a burden I had to confess my feelings. But to see the potential there blossom, I had to not hold back.
He had already made inways into my innerself and heart. Bricks removed here and there, a hole I clumsily tried to patch with only half effort. But once we started, we took demolition balls to the walls…only to find that were additional fortresses behind them. Who knows how far in they go…what I do know, is that no one else has ever gotten this far. And the reward is the most fulfilling (on so many levels) relationship I have ever had.
“To get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.” —-and do it with the right person.
This is beautiful.