Reply to @cyberaza, A Defense of BDSM

Standard

dirtygirl717:

I thought we were past this whole thing of telling women how they should act and what they should like, because anyone knows what’s best for them all. Some of the points you make are valid and interesting (at least when they were arguments rather than accusations) but after a cursory glance at your page “Why BDSM is bad for society”, prostitution and the safety protections of the pornography industry don’t seem to be your priority. If they were, I might counter that increased regulation for the safety and protection of sex workers be destigmatized, prioritized and enforced. Or to go with smaller publishers who are transparent in their practices and have healthy relationships with the people who they work with, @lovinglyhandmadepornography is my favorite example of this.

But more broadly, I strongly disagree with your assumptions about BDSM and women in general. I don’t believe myself to be less than anyone, and would in fact kick the ass of anyone who treated me as such. Likewise, I don’t allow anyone slut/sex/kink-shame me, and just because I can be submissive doesn’t make me the disillusioned doormat you seem to believe we are. It’s insulting to even your own arguments to assume that your convictions and experiences discredit those of everyone else’s.

BDSM is primarily a means of self exploration, not catering to the whims of others because of weakness or manipulation. It can be a means of therapy or even reliving trauma but with a sense of control that is lacking in abuse, and endorsed by some professionals. If you don’t think that’s empowering, that’s fine and even an interesting counterpoint. But you have no right to dictate the way others feel, perceive the world around them or act themselves.

I get that you’re heavily on one side of the nature versus nurture argument, but things are never so black and white. Personally, I have always had a tie between sexual pain and pleasure, long before I really knew what that was or was taught by society that it meant something “bad”. I was raised around and almost entirely by women (hell, my mom’s a lesbian) and while the culture we live in may be patriarchal, I assure you that was not the way I was raised. Basically, I’ve self identified as a feminist for as long as I have a masochist. And you don’t get to tell me how to be a good one, for either.

It’s not invaluable or dismissable that BDSM can bring a new level of intimacy in a relationship. The things which are universally acknowledged to help a relationship flourish are trust and communication, which don’t just increase but become mandatory for both partners to enjoy themselves. You can become a more raw or honest version of yourself (even when pretending to be someone else) and it’s unique and exciting and terrifying to be so vulnerable, and so wonderful to come out of that and know that you’re still cherished and respected. Not hit or restrained for violence or even necessarily for pleasure, but for the mental, physical and emotional release that it can bring, and the degree of intimacy which accompanies submerging from subspace into aftercare and the arms of your partner.

However, that scenario isn’t even the ideal outcome necessary, because people have different desires and seek different results, each of which are incredibly personal and complex. So while you experienced something which you found to ultimately be unhealthy, and understandably so, you can’t paint everyone as either a victim or a villain from your personal experiences. How can you possibly assume that no one has internally gone through every argument you make, simply because they come to a different conclusion? Believing that anyone who disagrees with you lacks “critical thinking” is in itself ignorance.

There are dangers of these things being misused; abuse, taking advantage of people and manipulating them into something they don’t want or understand. But that’s why consent is considered the end all be all, because the perception and desire are the only things that differentiate what can be viewed as abuse from the outside, or even (if not especially) internally. It’s not the same as “battered women’s syndrome” or PTSD. There are “wires crossed” in the brain that create higher levels of pleasure, which may not even be attainable through other means. A bruise from playing a sport can create pride and hurt less or in a different way than an injury procured by other means, everything is mental. And really, isn’t sex the ultimate and best extreme sport?

My biggest annoyance is that correlation is not causation; even if it were, it’s much more likely that violence is prevalent in society and therefore reflected in pornography than the reverse. Fantasy should never be confused with reality, and claiming there are no real differences and blaming one for the other is arguably as bad as those who say she was “asking for it” because of what she was wearing. A woman can dress in whatever makes her happy just as much as she can fuck (or imagine fucking) in anyway she likes, without recieving judgment or assumption.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I almost find gender-role playing secretly hilarious. It’s a cognitive and ironic role that is acted out the way I used to play pretend as a kid. And some may secretly like acknowledging the traditional and rather sexist power exchange, or delight in defying it, or not give a fuck who is doing what to you as it makes you cum like a fire hydrant. Of course we are influenced by the society and culture we’re a part of. And I’m not under the illusion that every person masturbating is consciously enlightened to the sexism (and racism and even classism) which occurs so prominently in porn (and movies and literature, etc.) or that they necessarily see a problem with it. But again, that’s a symptom of a much deeper issue of historical sexism and preconceptions about sex itself.

Telling people what they can get off to isn’t going to solve the underlying issues. You can’t cure a disease by blaming a symptom. That’s like telling someone complaining about their leg that they need to perform a self amputation because you read somewhere that disease could spread throughout the body and society and you think it looks like the picture you looked up on the internet. In other words, an overreaction and you’re not qualified to judge a case by case basis with such limited knowledge.

Reply to @cyberaza, A Defense of BDSM

Standard

dirtygirl717:

I thought we were past this whole thing of telling women how they should act and what they should like, because anyone knows what’s best for them all. Some of the points you make are valid and interesting (at least when they were arguments rather than accusations) but after a cursory glance at your page “Why BDSM is bad for society”, prostitution and the safety protections of the pornography industry don’t seem to be your priority. If they were, I might counter that increased regulation for the safety and protection of sex workers be destigmatized, prioritized and enforced. Or to go with smaller publishers who are transparent in their practices and have healthy relationships with the people who they work with, @lovinglyhandmadepornography is my favorite example of this.

But more broadly, I strongly disagree with your assumptions about BDSM and women in general. I don’t believe myself to be less than anyone, and would in fact kick the ass of anyone who treated me as such. Likewise, I don’t allow anyone slut/sex/kink-shame me, and just because I can be submissive doesn’t make me the disillusioned doormat you seem to believe we are. It’s insulting to even your own arguments to assume that your convictions and experiences discredit those of everyone else’s.

BDSM is primarily a means of self exploration, not catering to the whims of others because of weakness or manipulation. It can be a means of therapy or even reliving trauma but with a sense of control that is lacking in abuse, and endorsed by some professionals. If you don’t think that’s empowering, that’s fine and even an interesting counterpoint. But you have no right to dictate the way others feel, perceive the world around them or act themselves.

I get that you’re heavily on one side of the nature versus nurture argument, but things are never so black and white. Personally, I have always had a tie between sexual pain and pleasure, long before I really knew what that was or was taught by society that it meant something “bad”. I was raised around and almost entirely by women (hell, my mom’s a lesbian) and while the culture we live in may be patriarchal, I assure you that was not the way I was raised. Basically, I’ve self identified as a feminist for as long as I have a masochist. And you don’t get to tell me how to be a good one, for either.

It’s not invaluable or dismissable that BDSM can bring a new level of intimacy in a relationship. The things which are universally acknowledged to help a relationship flourish are trust and communication, which don’t just increase but become mandatory for both partners to enjoy themselves. You can become a more raw or honest version of yourself (even when pretending to be someone else) and it’s unique and exciting and terrifying to be so vulnerable, and so wonderful to come out of that and know that you’re still cherished and respected. Not hit or restrained for violence or even necessarily for pleasure, but for the mental, physical and emotional release that it can bring, and the degree of intimacy which accompanies submerging from subspace into aftercare and the arms of your partner.

However, that scenario isn’t even the ideal outcome necessary, because people have different desires and seek different results, each of which are incredibly personal and complex. So while you experienced something which you found to ultimately be unhealthy, and understandably so, you can’t paint everyone as either a victim or a villain from your personal experiences. How can you possibly assume that no one has internally gone through every argument you make, simply because they come to a different conclusion? Believing that anyone who disagrees with you lacks “critical thinking” is in itself ignorance.

There are dangers of these things being misused; abuse, taking advantage of people and manipulating them into something they don’t want or understand. But that’s why consent is considered the end all be all, because the perception and desire are the only things that differentiate what can be viewed as abuse from the outside, or even (if not especially) internally. It’s not the same as “battered women’s syndrome” or PTSD. There are “wires crossed” in the brain that create higher levels of pleasure, which may not even be attainable through other means. A bruise from playing a sport can create pride and hurt less or in a different way than an injury procured by other means, everything is mental. And really, isn’t sex the ultimate and best extreme sport?

My biggest annoyance is that correlation is not causation; even if it were, it’s much more likely that violence is prevalent in society and therefore reflected in pornography than the reverse. Fantasy should never be confused with reality, and claiming there are no real differences and blaming one for the other is arguably as bad as those who say she was “asking for it” because of what she was wearing. A woman can dress in whatever makes her happy just as much as she can fuck (or imagine fucking) in anyway she likes, without recieving judgment or assumption.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I almost find gender-role playing secretly hilarious. It’s a cognitive and ironic role that is acted out the way I used to play pretend as a kid. And some may secretly like acknowledging the traditional and rather sexist power exchange, or delight in defying it, or not give a fuck who is doing what to you as it makes you cum like a fire hydrant. Of course we are influenced by the society and culture we’re a part of. And I’m not under the illusion that every person masturbating is consciously enlightened to the sexism (and racism and even classism) which occurs so prominently in porn (and movies and literature, etc.) or that they necessarily see a problem with it. But again, that’s a symptom of a much deeper issue of historical sexism and preconceptions about sex itself.

Telling people what they can get off to isn’t going to solve the underlying issues. You can’t cure a disease by blaming a symptom. That’s like telling someone complaining about their leg that they need to perform a self amputation because you read somewhere that disease could spread throughout the body and society and you think it looks like the picture you looked up on the internet. In other words, an overreaction and you’re not qualified to judge a case by case basis with such limited knowledge.